Breaking: Sarah Lawrence Announces Intention to Change Name

Sela Corliss ‘26

In a groundbreaking announcement made early this morning, Sarah Lawrence College has introduced its plan to change its name. According to the college’s representative, growing concerns and pushback from students have led Sarah Lawrence to believe that it is important and integral to the school’s mission and reputation that it not flaunt and promote the name of an old white woman. 

A reporter for The Phoenix sat down with a co-chair of the Committee to Rename Sarah Lawrence College (CTRSLC):

How are you feeling since the administration’s announcement?

I for one am elated. This is a huge win against the administration as well as decades of oppression and elitism. Almost gone are the days when we strong, proud students, will be forced to represent ourselves and our education in the same sentence as some old white lady. It’s time we move on. And move forward.

And who is Sarah Lawrence?

What?

Why was the school named after her?

Next question. 

Prior to the school’s declaration, the CTRSLC had been staging protests, making posters, and contacting famous alumni and figures to help their cause. The committee had flooded the comment section of the official Yoko Ono Instagram account, stationed themselves outside of Jordan Peele’s most recent production, and attempted to get in touch with Barbara Walters’ ghost via Ouija board. The efforts proved futile, although some members of the committee claim that the Ouija board did move slightly to “no” when they called her “Barb” as opposed to Barbara.  

The school’s official notice announcing its aim to rename the college before the next semester also included that the college hopes to get its new name from the students. Pieces of paper and QR code links to electronic forms were passed around/posted online for the student body to submit their suggestions. The Phoenix was given exclusive access to the range of current options and frontrunners. 

As of right now, there are two names leading the race. Toni Morrison has 534 votes, with Karl Marx following closely behind with 482. Our reporter asked the committee co-chair about these options:

“I think that either of these choices would be appropriate. Both figures represent our views, principles, and I would personally be proud to put their names on my resume,” the co-chair said. 

Doesn’t Karl Marx being an old white guy kind of defeat the purpose of this whole thing?

It’s different.

How?

It just is. He’s a comrade. 

So it doesn’t make it worse that not only is he old and white, but he’s also male?

Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were a sexist capitalist sheep.

Two other names also have legs, and appear to share a reasoning. The student body seems to want to push for “gay icons” (as is stated in the forms), whether it be “Iago and Othello College” (a specific campaign from Sarah Lawrence’s various theater troupes), or “Chappell Roan University.”  

Below are other possible contenders, in no particular order:

1. Ottessa Moshfegh

2. Trixie Mattel 

3. Luigi Mangione

4. Sean Baker

5. Luigi Mangione

6. Ayo Edebri 

7. Kamala Harris’ cool stepdaughter

8. The original cast of Hamilton

9. Coleman Domingo

10. Keegan Michael Key (we think some people may have gotten confused)

11. Hannah Horvath (separate from Lena Dunham)

12. The cast of Challengers

13. Bad Bunny

14. Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams (those astronauts who were stuck in space)

15. Stephen Colbert (as a tribute)

16. G Hannelius (alum)

17. Those three freak siblings from White Lotus

18. No makeup Pamela Anderson

Cristle Collins Judd, president of Sarah Lawrence College (as it is currently known), will be holding a press conference next month to announce the winner, so keep an eye out. In the meantime, polls are still open and campaigns are still running in effect. The group pushing for Luca Guadagnino College are giving out peach and cannibalism-themed treats in Barb, and “team Sylvia Plath” are stationed on South Lawn with figs.

Don’t Judge a Class By Its Title

Rachel O’Connor ‘26

What follows is a cautionary tale about the perils of not reading your class syllabus. Do not let this happen to you.

Students taking Dr. Grey’s always popular Unethical Science lecture were downright horrified by their classmate’s conference project presentation last week. Allegra Furter, a junior transfer who allegedly hadn’t attended a class after syllabus day, claims, “It’s really not that bad. You guys are being mean.”

“It’s a crime against nature,” one of her classmates said. 

“I was pretty sure she dropped the class, and then she just showed up with that…that thing,” said another.

“I actually threw up. Like it smelled so bad. It was, like, rotting.”

“The creature? Oh yeah he’s chill. Bummed a cigarette off him…he should probably stop using a rock as deodorant.”

Eyewitness reports describe the creature as a nine-foot tall amalgamation of body parts that may or may not be human, with some reports suggesting the use of roadkill in its creation. 

“Its face literally looks like raw ground beef with two eyes just jammed in there. And it has this massive black hole for the mouth that just goes on forever. Like a slip n’ slide. Or a garbage chute. How does it eat? Like seriously it doesn’t have teeth? You don’t think it eats people right? Hey…ummm…this is anonymous right? It’s not going to come after me or anything, is it?”

Furter defended her creation saying, “Oh my god I ran out of animals, okay? Cars aren’t running down skunks everyday. I know the class is Unethical Science, but if you expect me to be killing them myself, you’re insane. I borrowed some leftovers out of the communal fridge. I’m pretty sure whatever that was used to be an animal at some point. It counts.”

Rest assured, all our witnesses will remain anonymous to protect them from retribution or  nasty Fizz posts made about them. There is no concrete evidence the creature eats people.

In an odd twist, the creature disappeared for almost eight hours yesterday, only for it to be discovered that the creature had parked itself, incognito, in the faculty lounge. It was fitting right in with its evolved opinions on Hegel, heuristics, and the obvious connection between fifteenth-century gender norms and the comedic arc of Rick and Morty. 

When asked for further comment, Furter simply shrugged it off and said, “It’s vegan.” Despite its horrific appearance and vomit-inducing smell, the disclosure of the creature’s vegan status immediately vaulted its social standing above the roughly 2% of Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) students who don’t profess to be vegan.

Someone might want to tell the creature about the source of its newfound social status because an SLC Anonymous post alleged he was seen leaving The Barb with chicken nuggets last night. 

One user commented, “I guess nobody warned him about the food poisoning.” Despite efforts, we have been unable to confirm that an angry mob of torch-wielding, Birkenstock-wearing SLC students were hunting for the creature last night, seeking vengeance for the creature’s crime against humanity of eating some undefined parts of a chicken.

We tried asking the creature for a comment but he just made an uncomfortable series of grunts and wet gurgles before handing  us a cigarette. After learning our interviewee was not the creature but actually a long-suffering adjunct professor, we located the creature and were treated to the same grunt-and-gurgle routine. Seems like the creature would do great in prison. Or in the SLC administration.

When asked how Furter came up with the idea for such a…unique project she said, “I’ve never taken a science class before, so I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I watched Lisa Frankenstein, and she’s just, like, so me-coded. I didn’t have a tanning bed though, so I made it in a contraband air fryer I keep under my bed.” 

You would think subverting nature and creating life à la Frankenstein would earn Furter a solid evaluation, right? We asked Dr. Grey to weigh in.

Dr. Grey sighed loudly, took off her glasses, and rubbed her face with her hands. This was probably not a good sign for poor Allegra Furter.

“I don’t think she even read the course description, much less the syllabus. I really don’t know what she was even doing in my class.”

“I needed the science credit to graduate,” was Furter’s defense.

Dr. Grey went on to say, “Unethical Science is a class for reviewing cases of historically-poor science and talking about what went wrong and what could have been done to make the experiment more ethical. We’re trying to teach students how to approach science with respect and dignity. Conference projects were meant to be an essay about an instance of unethical behavior and why it was so dishonest. Which she would know, if she ever came to class. I wanted presentations on Rosalind Franklin or the Stanford Prison Experiment. Not a student literally using science unethically to create the creature from the black lagoon.”

One student disagreed, saying, “Take a look at our course catalog.  Unethical Science sits right there with classes like Breathing is not a Natural Act, Microdosing Happiness: The Positive Effects of Shrooms on the Brain, and Hooked on a Feeling: Hookup Culture as a Form of Self-Expression. A class designed to create grotesque monsters out of road kill would seem to fit right in.” 

Say what you want about Furter, but at least she didn’t abandon her creation. Rumor has it he's sleeping on the couch in the Garrison common room and having a great time publicly reading The Bell Jar on the South Lawn while wearing jorts and wife beater. Rumor is it's even a feminist. We would say that’s pretty ethical, Dr. Grey. 

We asked Furter’s suitemates to weigh in.

“I mean he does the dishes, which Allegra has literally never done. I say we kick her out and let the creature take her room,” said one.  

“Oh, the creature? I don’t care. What I do care about is that [redacted] Allegra used my leftovers for her weird science project! It had my name on it!” 

“Most normal thing to happen in Garrison, to be honest.”

Another suitemate added, “He doesn’t walk around the suite naked or roll joints on the carpet, and he puts a sock on the doorknob when he’s eating a houseguest inside. He’s probably in the top half of suitemates around here.”

We asked the Residential Assistant (RA) for a comment but they just grumbled something about updated roommate agreements and not being compensated nearly enough for this [redacted]. They then trudged off, an air of defeat wafting along behind them. 

Moral(s) of the story? Read the syllabus, if you create a freak of nature it’s your responsibility, and be kind to your RAs.

Good Girls Go to Heaven, But Cool Girls Go to Tumblr: A Revival of the Blog

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

Tiktok is dead and buried. Facebook is only relevant if you’re over the age of fifty. Instagram is on thin ice (and that’s only if you’re casual about it). Twitter is run by a literal Nazi. If you even try to bring up Snapchat, I’ll laugh in your face. 

So… What is the next big social media platform? 

Well, sorry to be the one to break the news to you, but the age of social media is over, and the age of the personal blog is back. It’s time to have a personalized website layout, a DNI list, and a self-designed HTML code. 

The people yearn for Tumblr. 

Tumblr is the peak form of social media. MySpace is kind of lame now, and it’s hard to use. Believe me, I’ve tried. I don’t think I’m the only one who misses the early 2000s MySpace. I should have been working on my custom page layout in 2007, but I was a toddler. Talk about a missed opportunity. Tumblr fills that void, and it does so in an efficient, easy-to-use, and totally fun way. 

You might be wondering: why Tumblr? I’m so glad you asked! First off, Tumblr is relatively uncensored, which means you don’t have to see the “censored for higher engagement” terms like ‘le$bean’ or ‘wuhluhwuh’, so it is already a huge improvement from TikTok. However, you can block out certain tags that you do not want to see, in order to avoid certain triggers or dislikes, which comes in handy! For example, if I did not want to see anything related to the term ‘Scary’, I could block that tag, and I would not see anything tagged as ‘Scary’ on my recommended feed. 

Truly, Tumblr is the superior social media platform. Where all other platforms fall short, Tumblr rises above the rest, going above and beyond. TikTok, even before the additional censorship, has always been somewhat stressful. All I am going to say is that Tumblr has never recommended people who bullied me in middle school as “People You Might Know”, nor has it shown me that my ex’s new sneaky link is stalking my page. Also, Tumblr hides follower counts, so you don’t have to worry about seeming ‘uncool’. Really, though, nothing is ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’. But if anything were to be ‘cool’, it would be Tumblr. 

The revival of the personal blog is coming, and I know that I will be the first to welcome it. While others argue about the next ‘big thing’ in social media, I’ll be working on the color scheme and layout for my Tumblr blog, and you should do the same.

Sarah Lawrence College Announces New Tradition

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

Dearest Gryphon Nation,   

Hopefully, your conference season of Spring 2025 has been off to a lovely start, and you have been able to stay warm despite the freezing weather. There is some exciting news that the college would like to share: 

We are all aware of the fact that different colleges have unique traditions: SUNY Purchase has Culture Shock, Binghamton University has Santacon and NYU has… Barron Trump. We received feedback directly from the community that Sarah Lawrence was feeling left out on these traditions. Sure, we have Sleazeball and 30x30, but we needed something fresh and new. 

Don’t worry, Gryphon Nation! We have come up with the perfect tradition, perfectly tailored to the lovely, lovely students of the college! 

For the first time in the history of Sarah Lawrence College, we will be hosting a Cry-A-Thon! (Thank you to the sponsors of this event: Sarah Lawrence College Alumni.)

Show up to Westlands at 8 PM on Tuesday, April 1 in your most low-effort comfy outfit – just make sure to not wear green, because you can’t be too school spirited – where you will see that there are pillows, blankets and, yes, $8 red wine from the gas station and Mitski on a low-quality Bluetooth speaker. Grab a mug, curl up on the couch and feel free to cry your eyes out. It’s actually encouraged! 

Whoever can cry the longest and hardest gets first dibs on a time slot at Campus Counseling Services! 

So, let’s all show up, show out and get our Gryph-On this Sunday, at the first Annual Sarah Lawrence Cry-A-Thon! 

See you there, 

Cry-stal Collins Judd

Sarah Lawrence Needs a Rival Institution

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

I am so incredibly jealous of the rivalry between students at Ohio State and the University of Michigan. The huge football games, the crowds of students decked out in collegiate merchandise, and the entire show of a college rivalry. In my humble opinion, Sarah Lawrence College needs a rival. 

Apparently, we already have a few rivals. I say “apparently” because none of them are ‘real’ rivals. One of our so-called ‘college rivals’ is Vassar College, which is a joke. Every single student that I know was waitlisted from Vassar. I’ve also heard people say that our rival is NYU. I do not believe that in the slightest. I don’t think NYU even knows that we are their rival, which makes it kind of embarrassing. We need a rival who is going to actually know that we exist. 

As many of you might know, Sarah Lawrence is incredibly close to Iona University, one of the top-ranked Catholic universities in the United States of America. While we are very close to each other distance-wise, the ‘stereotypical’ students at our respective colleges could not be more different. Most students at Iona are highly composed – and usually heterosexual – business majors. Most students at Sarah Lawrence look like they barked at people in high school. 

Sarah Lawrence doesn’t have a football team so we couldn’t have a football game, but imagine how awesome it would be if we had the swim teams play against each other. No, they’re not swimming. They’re playing football. It would be totally awesome. 

This is a request to Iona University: Gryph Us a Chance!

The Trouble at Sarah Lawrence: Part 2

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

“Recently, the development office received a letter from an alumna in San Francisco who was distressed by the rumor that the campus is now 50 percent homosexual”, states Anne Rophie in her article for The New York Times. 

Realistically, it is probably closer to 90 percent. 

Most people on campus have read the article that Rophie dedicates to talking about one so-called ‘problem’: most of the Sarah Lawrence student body is queer. Honestly, that is a pretty accurate read. But is it a problem? No. But in the year 2025, there is an actual problem. A new trouble plaguing Sarah Lawrence . (No, it’s not another cult.) 

Where are all of the emos at Sarah Lawrence College? 

There is a concerningly low percentage of emo students at Sarah Lawrence College. We, as an institution, likely fall somewhere between 3-5% emo, which is strikingly low for a liberal arts institution such as ourselves. This is a travesty, through and through. 

This is the modern day ‘trouble’ at Sarah Lawrence. 

Where are the studded belts and knee-high converse? Where are the skinny jeans? Where are the people saying ‘XD’? They are nowhere to be found, sadly… There is not enough My Chemical Romance being blasted; everybody has a poetry Substack that they promote on Instagram, when they should have a MySpace. When I walk around campus, I am met with a depressing truth: there are not enough emos at Sarah Lawrence. 

We used to be a real liberal arts college, with an expansive and thriving emo population. At one point, there were emos running happily and free across South Lawn, enjoying cans of Monster Energy and utilizing the SLCWLAN network for important things: scrolling Tumblr and playing Homestuck. 

But how do we get them back? Easy. Sarah Lawrence College, get your skinny jeans and band t-shirts, because we’re working towards an emo revival in 2025. You’ve probably heard of the indie sleaze revival, but that’s for NORMIEZ! 

Read this excerpt from My Immortal out loud: 

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got myname) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Now read it again. You are My Chemical Romance. You are Gerard Way. You are My Immortal. So, now that you’re emo, how do we get a widespread emo revival? 

• Get angsty! Feel your emotions, like a true emo! Sing a song about it! 

• Put on more eyeliner! Smudge it everywhere! 

• Know what the ‘G Note’ is! 

This lack of emos is truly disheartening, but don’t worry, Gryphons. We can change it, one sidebang and studded belt at a time.

Tips and Tricks For How To Pull a Girl at SLC

Sela Corliss ‘26

One of the main complaints I hear from my fellow Gryphons is that it is undeniably, excruciatingly difficult to date at Sarah Lawrence. Listen, I get it. And I’m here to help. A lot more goes into successfully finding a partner at Sarah Lawrence than it would at a bigger – or even small, but normal – school. I have put together a foolproof procedure to guide you all on how to conquer your fears and convince some of the scariest people on the planet (cool girls at Sarah Lawrence) to go out with you. 

Phase 1: Courting 

Your Compliments Aren’t Worth Shit

She knows her bangs are sick. But she didn’t get them for you, okay? Get that into your fucking head. And don’t you dare bring up her nose ring. It has nothing to do with you. Instead, comment on “how cerebral she is.” Or how her homemade skirt made from old love letters from her ex boyfriend really brings out her rising sign, especially during this phase of the moon, and obviously with everything going on with retrograde now.*

*Note: If you choose to use this line you will most likely be faced with one of two responses. Either she’ll meet you with a knowing nod about Mercury’s current position, or she will be extremely visibly annoyed and put off. If it’s the latter, do not panic. This can be a perfect segue into another of any Sarah Lawrence student’s (female or male) favorite pastimes: shit-talking. Simply say you were joking: you know she’s not into that bullshit. It’s actually so crazy how many girls here are, right? It’s so cool that she’s not like the others. 

Up Your Reference Game 

Oh you like The Velvet Underground? Fuck you. You’re a big fan of Bladee? Pathetic. 

Your best bet is to make up a band and hire a computer science major to create a fake Spotify profile with no more than  2,000 monthly listeners. In terms of the band name, the campus is truly your oyster. Now’s your chance to finally use those skills from your fiction workshop (who knew they would actually help you in the real world?) Feel free to merge two course titles, and you have the long, pretentious name of your favorite indie band that hasn't blown up yet. She’s never heard of Kafka Through Dance in the Time of Mao? You’ll have to show her sometime. Another option is finding the person in your class with the most interesting piercings and just using their Instagram username. This also works for telling her “your favorite French (or if you’re really serious, Russian/Japanese) arthouse film.” Another method for movie names is to just pick two contrasting words (think Paris, Texas, Fallen Angels, Black Swan, School of Rock.) Don’t worry, she’ll never be able to find it because it’s “only available on Mubi.” 

A Peace Offering Never Hurts

Oops! You just happened to drop your cigarettes at her feet! Looks like you’ll need to smoke one together. Consider any kind of drug, old annotated book, clothing that coincidentally doesn’t fit you but fits her perfectly, or any sort of loud (and I mean by look and sound) jewelry – a good choice for a conversation starter. It will also make her think of you every time she moves slightly and her bangles make the loudest noise known to man. 

Phase 2: On the date

D = Disillusion, Not Date

Do not, under any circumstances, call it a date. The main goal is to confuse her. Keep her guessing. Did you plan this, or did you two just happen to be in the same place at the same time? She’ll never know. Think about it like the first rule of Fight Club, but if you were paying attention, you would know that this is much too mainstream of a reference to make. 

Restructuring the Power Dynamic

Right now she has the upper hand. We need to change that. In order to get her even remotely interested she needs to be thrown off of her game. Make sure that you two are not facing each other, but rather sitting side by side. This way, she has to work for your attention. Instead of actually showing interest in the things she has to say, just look straight ahead and kind of zone out. After she finishes a sentence, do not answer right away. Keep staring at the horizon, and after a few seconds of silence, squint a little bit and then turn towards her. Say, “Huh?” (then wait a beat…) “Oh. Yeah.”* Just like that, you’re golden. 

*If you want, you may follow this up by asking a question about her interests/passions that is clearly just an excuse for you to talk about yours at length; this move is very powerful, so use at your discretion. 

Phase 3: Progression

I’m sorry, did you forget that you go to Sarah Lawrence? You’ll never actually be able to successfully pull her – she’s not an object! She’s also seeing someone in the city, obviously. He’s a DJ who used to go to Parsons as a photography major, but dropped out when he was offered to do a set at the Miu Miu New York Fashion Week afterparty. You’ll never be as hot or as androgynous as him. Also, you suck. Nice try, though! Maybe try Hinge?

Sarah Lawrence College Announces Second Ever Football Team

Sela Corliss ‘26

In a surprise announcement at this year’s athletic banquet, Sarah Lawrence College has announced that it will be starting a football team for the first time since a short-lived run a number of years ago. This announcement has come alongside some other surprising choices made by the newest addition to the athletic community: the first of which being that the team has decided to “own their own means of production” by immediately staging a coup d'etat and coaching themselves.

The new Gryphons are making adjustments to the “outdated ways that this sport has been played for decades,” says one member of the team. In order to make the new student-athletes feel more comfortable, the Gryphons have opted to refer to plays as “rehearsed ensemble numbers.” The new, self-proclaimed jocks have also made a few more statements about their chosen vernacular: 

-The football will be dubbed "the old pigskin,” but as a specific derogatory reference to the police. 

-A “sack” will instead be called an ovary.

-A “hail mary” is not non-denominational enough. They will be “taking a secular stand” from now on. 

-The endzones will be “downstage,” and the sidelines will be “stage right” and “stage left,” respectively. 

-No more two-point conversions: “We don’t do math at Sarah Lawrence.”

The team is also abstaining from wearing uniforms; instead, the players are planning to wear any green clothing of their choosing, so as to allow them their full deserved creative expression. Some faculty members and NCAA officials were concerned about this choice, given the dangerous physical nature of the sport. When asked about the decision to refrain from padding or other types of protection, one Gryphon answered,“My art is my armor.”  

Due to a lack of space and funding, the Gryphons have had to hold practices at Bronxville Middle School. Local middle- and high-schoolers have reportedly packed the bleachers at these sessions, cheering seemingly sarcastically. Cristle was also seen attending these practices, allegedly “feigning interest, though looking nervous.” 

It has also been reported that the Gryphons requested that the game be kept “no contact” due to their cautiousness surrounding COVID-19 protocols. The NCAA has since refused. 

One representative told our reporter, “I mean, no one asked them to make a team.” 

The new team has, in addition, decided to only have the minimum number of players and decline to utilize substitutions. According to the Gryphons, this is so that every player feels equally valued and appreciated. This plan has unfortunately gone awry, as after the team’s first game this past Saturday against the United States Merchant Marine Academy, every single player on the Sarah Lawrence roster is seriously injured and cannot continue with the sport. 

The team has now found themselves at an impasse, seeing as they have no players and a full season ahead. They are finding it difficult to recruit more willing participants.  The team has taken to unique marketing strategies to entice students to play. They are offering a lead role in the next Naked Shakespeare production for any student that joins the team, as well as free meal swipes, rides to-and-from the post office, free Bronxville Picture House tickets, and more. If you have any questions in regards to these offers or interest in joining the team, the Sarah Lawrence football team will be in the Barbara Walters Campus Center this afternoon handing out free donuts.

Sarah Lawrence President Receives Backlash for Failed Wordplay

Sela Corliss ‘26

At a press conference on Oct. 27th—coincidentally held on Sylvia Plath’s birthday—Cristle Collins Judd’s speech ended with her noting that she is “aware that many of our students identify with the LGBTQ+ community, but as far as I’m concerned, you all fit under ‘G’: Gryphons.” 

Much of the student body took offense to the president’s comment, some labeling her statement “anti-Sarah Lawrence,” and others calling it “classic Sarah Lawrence.” Speculations surrounding the speech have circulated on the Instagram account SLC Anonymous. Some posts claim Judd was in fact pranked and was not aware that her speech would be concluding with that line. Others say that she had taken polls with the faculty and together they had come to a consensus that the suggestion of “G for Gryphon” would not be received poorly. So far, no Sarah Lawrence professors or faculty have agreed to comment on the incident. 

By the next morning, seemingly almost every possible surface on the Sarah Lawrence campus featured a play on the letter G, antagonizing Judd. The frequently painted board outside of Bates dining hall reads, “G = GET CRISTLE  OUT OF HERE,” and the large piece of wood in front of Hill House says, “G means Give me back my tuition, thief.” Another reads “(G)ive me a (G)oddamn break.” Students posted flyers calling for the immediate impeachment of Judd on trees and cell towers, and passed them out in common areas. 

Judd’s response to the fallout has been out of the ordinary. The president has embraced a sort of defeatist attitude and has completely given up on any attempt to rectify the situation. In an Instagram story posted late last night, Judd simply posted, “Y'all knew what I meant,” in green letters on a black background. Students were quick to point out that Judd’s post was not actually an entirely opaque black screen, and instead appeared to be a selfie that the president took in the dark. 

An Instagram account with the username @gr33ng0ddess has been very active in the comments of the SLC Anonymous posts, so much so that students have been led to believe that the profile is Judd’s burner account. The evidence cited by students trying to prove the identity of “Green Goddess” includes the lack of a profile picture or posts, the fact that every comment from the account is defending Judd and mainly that every comment ends with #thatssosarahlawrence. 

This morning, Judd made her first public appearance since the incident; she was seen smoking a cigarette on the bench in front of the Barbara Walters Campus Center. The Sarah Lawrence president was sporting sweatpants, Uggs, a messy bun, wired headphones and her signature green trench coat. She was reportedly muttering to herself “After everything I’ve done for them and this is how they treat me. Whatever happened to feminism?” 

A source close to Judd confirmed that she is “taking time to learn and reflect, and also considering getting a nose ring.” As of right now it is unclear if it is a septum or nostril piercing, but this is a developing story. The source also shared that in an act of defiance, Judd proposed adding a class entitled “Wordplay 101.”

As part of the intense backlash, students are allegedly urging their parents to “knock a zero or two off” of their usual donations. This caused concerns about what such a drastic drop in funding could mean for the school, though at a board meeting on Monday it was decided almost immediately to just cut the professors’ pay.

From the Desk of Crystal Kollins-Jud

By Cleo Harris-Cummins ‘27

Dear Members of the Sarah Lawrence community,

I sincerely hope your fall semester is going well. I know that conference week is coming up and none of you have started your papers. I am offering encouragement! You are all invited to the president's house for some apple cider and s’mores. I don't live there, but I hear it's nice. I live somewhere much more decadent where Dr. Martens® will never get a chance to tread. 

Announcements

• We have consulted with the student athletes and they have voted to change the mascot. “Gryphon”, we unanimously decided, was too whimsical. We are now……. The Sarah Lawrence Bulls! We think that this sends off a more normative message, making us tougher in our sports department which, as we all know, is the pride and joy of this school. 

• We have heard your complaints about the school’s lack of diversity. To rectify this and invite new perspectives, we have decided to hire, at the very minimum, 4 conservative professors. We are conducting a job search from a pool of candidates who listen to Joe Rogan and were present at the January 6th insurrection. I want you to know I hear your worries that this school is too “liberal.” We are trying to expand our horizons, and this is only one of many of the ways we will be doing so. 

• Speaking of professors, we have decided to start paying their salary in Meal Money and cigarettes. We believe that our professors should be teaching because they love to teach, not because they want to make money. This does, however, mean that we will only be hiring guest professors from now on. Tenure is overrated.

• We are opening a new gym! The basketball team and the soccer team need their own spaces without NARPS getting in their way. We have begun drawing up plans for a new indoor soccer complex and weight room. Unfortunately, this does mean  that the PAC will be shutting down; we need space for this new gym. 

• Get excited! A new safe space is opening in Bates for all the straight couples on campus. I want to acknowledge the marginalization that straight people feel in this environment. The SSS (straight safe space) will be hosting weekly screenings of “Grey's Anatomy.” We are so grateful to be partnering with Lululemon, the official SSS sponsor. They will be handing out free Scuba Hoodies at 10 a.m. on Tuesday to those with swipe access to the SSS. 

• I am sad to announce that we will all need to say our last goodbyes to Barbara Walters’ Emmys. The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences found out about Sleazeball and they do not want her reputation being associated with that kind of tomfoolery. I am pleased to announce that the BWCC will now be officially named The Barb, in honor of Nicki Minaj. Her Grammys will be taking the place of the Emmys in the glass display. 

• Finally, we are so honored to invite Amy Schumer to be our new financial advisor, spokesperson, and investor. I hope you can all welcome her with open arms.  

A couple reminders

1. Please remember to keep your feet off the seats of the MetroNorth. I have been receiving complaints from commuters that too many Sarah Lawrence students rest their sambas on the seats, denting the cushion and dirtying the seat with the cigarette ash that I'm sure is on your soles. Also, remember that when you dye your hair, it can rub off on the headrest, so don't lean back. 

2. Please also remember to fill out the monthly subscription form and pay your dues. At Sarah Lawrence, we want to reject modernity and embrace tradition. The subscription cost includes a pack of cigarettes per week (except if you smoke camel crush, then you have to buy them yourself, I wont have your bad taste tarnishing our reputation) and 10 locally grown pre-rolls from a local woman-owned dispensary. This initiative is meant to discourage students from vaping and hitting dab pens because, truthfully, that shit is embarrassing. 

3. Final reminder: Do NOT smile at your peers. I don't care if you have two classes with them. Don't be a sissy. 

Shout Outs and Acknowledgements

Shout out to all the polyamorous people on campus! 

Shout out to all the girls with cat headphones!

Shout out to my POC (people on campus, we out here)!

Shout out to myself; self love is important! Every day that I wake up and pick out my kelly green outfit is a day that I am winning!

Shout out to The Penix! I love student-run journalism, and I know that at Sarah Lawrence we have only the best. 

Yours, 

Crystal Kollins-Jud

President, Sarah Lawrence College

Instagram: slcprezzz42069

Sarah Lawrence College Changes Admission Criteria

Sofia Sklar ‘27

A recent interview with Sarah Lawrence College’s President, Cristle Collins Judd, has revealed that the college’s admissions process will be undergoing some exciting new changes. The administration stressed the fact that this change will not be immediate, and will not affect any students who are currently enrolled within the College. The school aims to implement it in the next few years. While Sarah Lawrence College has prided itself on having been entirely test-optional since 2003 – meaning that prospective applicants do not have to submit SAT or ACT scores in order to be considered for admission – the new admissions structure is altering this policy, and other colleges may be soon to follow. 

Starting August 1st, 2026, (the first cycle of students it will affect is the class of 2030, who are currently juniors in high school) Sarah Lawrence College will no longer be classified as a test-optional institution. Rather, prospective students will be required to take a Buzzfeed “Am I Gay” quiz, and disclose their results to the College. The quiz is scored from 0 to 10, with a higher score indicating higher levels of homosexuality. 

The contents of this quiz have not yet been disclosed, however. When questioned, Judd refused to clarify, beyond saying that it contained, “pop divas, musical theatre, Lady Gaga, all the stuff they like.” It is unclear who “they” are. While it has been repeatedly emphasized that an applicant’s score on this exam will not entirely decide their chances of getting into Sarah Lawrence, a score of 8 or higher has been recommended to prospective students. 

On campus, students have had varied reactions to the news. Again, although current students are not affected by the change, it raises some questions on how the culture of the College may potentially shift in the coming years. 

A concerned second-year student who has elected to remain anonymous stated, “After hearing the news, I took the test out of curiosity, but I only scored a 2. Does this mean that I don’t belong at Sarah Lawrence?” If the current admissions criteria is to be referenced, the answer to this student’s question is probably yes. 

However,  for many Sarah Lawrence students, the news has been received positively. Many students questioned what this would actually change on campus. The answer is unclear. A third-year student, who has also elected to remain anonymous, responded enthusiastically to the information, saying, “I hate a fake gay bitch.” Apparently, as does Sarah Lawrence College. 

It is unclear what this change in the admissions process will mean for the College, going forward. The Phoenix will continue reporting on the story as it develops.

Nora’s Crystal Ball: Gaze Into Halloweekend

Nora Searles ‘27

Werewolves are howling in the distance. Vampires are waking from their slumber of the day. Halloweekend at Sarah Lawrence College approaches like the monster under your grimy twin bed. What was that? I think I heard the screams of students trying to throw together last-minute costumes that will probably be too obscure to identify with a plain eye. I offer you ghouls a glimpse into the future – a prediction, of sorts, with my crystal ball. The crystal ball knows all, and it thinks that this Halloweekend at SLC will be as messy as your communal kitchen. 

Gaze into my crystal ball. What do you see? I’m seeing a battle of who will have the most niche costume. Strangers approach each other by chance in the dark to point out each other’s costumes. They thought they were the only ones who knew that an angel wasn’t just an angel but Claire Danes as Juliet in Baz Luhrmann’s 1996 adaptation of “Romeo and Juliet.” That's not just any Waffle House employee, that’s Lana Del Rey’s impromptu visit to the diner in July of 2023. I know that name tag anywhere. I’m seeing Wes Anderson, Saltburn and probably hoards of Jennifer Checks. 

I’m getting something else. Something seems hazy. My ball has cast a shadow of uncertainty. I see two weekends (both alike in dignity)! But which one will the people choose? Will it be parent’s weekend? The weekend after? I’m seeing hungover students attend family breakfasts on Sunday morning. Will SLC students have what it takes to band together to make the most out of both weekends? I predict (and hope) that the answer is yes. 

If my crystal ball proves wrong, I’ll have lost all faith in its magical powers. My crystal ball tells me that as the new moon darkens the night sky on Nov. 1st, the students of SLC will be prowling the campus, looking for their next victims. The victims in question are anyone with a lighter they can borrow. 

My crystal ball sees horror in the Halloweekend future! Rocky Horror! Fishnets, singing, dancing, oh my! This Halloweekend seems special. Maybe there will be a virgin sacrifice after the show! Only the crystal ball can tell. Either way, the future of Saturday night remains unclear. Will there be afterparties? What will happen on the fateful night of Friday and Saturday? The crystal ball is only showing utter madness at this point. 

Maybe Halloweekend will end up like any party here at SLC. Maybe the crowds of biblically accurate angels will fly home to Hill House and forget about the events of Halloween 2024. However, there appears to be a faint calling coming from my crystal ball. We can make it a weekend to remember. Hell, if we really want to be evil, maybe we can make it two. The crystal ball sees that it’s up to the students to decide how weird, how obscure, they really want to go. SLC’s slogan used to be, “You are different. So are we,” and as Nancy from “The Craft” says, “We are the weirdos, mister.” SLC students are the weirdos. Halloween is our time to shine, people. 

The crystal ball darkens and fades as the predictions for the October holiday come to a conclusion. I will not be taking responsibility for any false predictions, as my crystal ball came from eBay.