Project Filming on Campus Revealed to be Adaptation of Connor Storrie x Hudson Williams Fanfiction

Glenn Washington ‘27

An anonymous source on the production team for the Apple TV series that has been filming on campus has revealed to the Phoenix that the project is a limited series adaptation of a fanfiction originally posted on Archive of Our Own (AO3) concerning a romance between Heated Rivalry stars Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie. 

“As soon as Heated Rivalry started blowing up, Apple knew they had to act fast,” said the source. “Filing the serial numbers off fanfiction is super hot right now too, I think this is gonna be something big for the company.”

The fanfiction is reportedly “Give Me Your Eyes” by AO3 user Hudco4ever, which has since been removed from the website following Apple’s purchase of the rights. The story follows Williams and Storrie as they fall in love during the filming of smash hit television series Heated Rivalry. 

“This could be huge for normalizing RPF [real person fanfiction],” said Ten Mennonite ‘26, a Sarah Lawrence student and self proclaimed “major yaoi freak.” “If celebrities didn’t want us writing about them having gay sex, maybe they shouldn’t act like that,” they added, refusing to clarify what, exactly, they meant by “like that.” 

“I don’t know, it seems a bit unethical to me,” said Judge Mental ‘28. “Putting it on AO3 is one thing, filming a TV show is another. This isn’t Shane and Ilya, they’re real people.” Ten Mennonite replied with, “This is exactly what I mean! We need to normalize it so there isn’t this stigma.”

The source could not provide the Phoenix with any additional details surrounding the production, including the casting. “I hope it’s two unknowns just like Hudson and Connor,” said Gabe Londe ‘27. “And I hope they act like that so I can write RPF of them, too.”

Conference Project Spotlight

Willa Dana ‘26 and Sela Corliss ‘26

Collage by Willa Dana ‘26 and Sela Corliss ‘26

There is nothing more fundamentally “Sarah Lawrence” than an overly ambitious, convoluted, interdisciplinary conference project. We asked some Gryphons to share their past work and they did not disappoint. 

–Hustling Hens: The Egg Industry—Reflections on the Complex Interplay of Fowl Feminism Dynamics and Food Scarcity in Rural America 

It’s the side of feminism no one wants to talk about. 

Some standout questions raised by this revealing investigative journalism piece include: should laying eggs for profit be considered sex work? (likely.) Are the hens working a coop or a corner? Is the discomfort (weather, diseases, living conditions) worth it? Is this work or pleasure? Pleasure for who? 

And ultimately: does the egg industry show us a case of mass hen empowerment or mass hen hysteria?

–SJP vs SJP

Podcast: a conversation with Sarah Jessica Parker about her rocky relationship with Students for Justice in Palestine’s chosen acronym. 

–16 Handles… or 16 Questions? An Investigative Look into How Froyo Exemplifies the Choice Paradox.

35 page paper plus footnotes. The word “Kafkaesque" is used 52 times. 

–The Em-Dash and the Comma: Rhythm, Routine, and Re-Construction in a Post-AI Landscape

For a PE credit (Zumba). 

–Nevertheless She Persisted: Survivalism, Resurrection and Self-Image in a Brooklyn Studio Apartment 

Performance art piece. The artist will be clothed in a delicate sack with a chastity belt to bring a visual representation to both the themes of resurrection and self-image. But the focus is not on the artist’s appearance—it’s on her intellect. After a brief land acknowledgement to the apartment, made to the audience on Zoom, the artist will painstakingly cover her Bushwick studio in mirrors, thus literally becoming the space. She moves until she collapses from exhaustion, mirroring the exhaustion felt by the working class. 

—Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard: How Playground Games Prevented and Prophesized the Male Loneliness Epidemic

The audience will be taken outside to play Four Square and race for a female’s attention. The Hangover movies will be playing over a speaker, imbuing the space with a sense of masculine camaraderie. 

–Let Them Eat Cake: So How Bad is Celiac Really? 

Case study. 

–Let’s Hash it Out: Hashtags and Their Influence in a Postmodern, Postcapitalist, and Precommunist Society. 

For a calculus class. Slideshow with charts and graphs. 

–-She’s Barefoot and Braless: Nudity and Nuclear War in the West Village

Taking inspiration from Rosie the Riveter’s historic gumption, the student takes their audience on a walking matcha tour exclusively between W 14th and W 4th St. 

–A Modern Manic Pixie Dream Girl: AOC’s Met Gala Appearance

Children’s book with built-in finger puppets that teaches kids the meaning of the phrase “Tax The Rich” and the concept of irony. 

–It’s a Cruel Summer: Taylor Swift’s Role in Climate Destruction and the Creation of AI 

AI art piece, for a digital art class.

–Sadomasochism  

Speaks for itself. 

–Black Squirrel or Black Lung? Secondhand Smoke Inhalation in Westchester County Rodent Populations 

Biology class. Semester-long lab study with obligatory smoke sessions in close proximity to subjects. 

–Everything Everywhere all at Once: Brandy Melville, Bella Hadid, and Big Plastic 

Students push for inclusive language rebrand in the wake of microplastic size exclusivity. 

Projects that were started, then abandoned due to a lack of primary sources and student course withdrawals:

Killer or King? A Revisionist History of Luigi Mangione and the CEO Shooting Through the Lens of the Italian American Experience within the Context of Tony Soprano and Cake Boss.

What’s Up Buttercup? How Child Baking Competitions Were Actually Exploitative Fronts for Child Labor.  

Life in the SmartLess Network: Podcasts, Pseudointellectualism, Parentheticals, and Plato

Pasta—Past, Present, and Performativity: How Vodka Sauce Shaped the Italian-American Post-Pandemic Landscape 

The Emcee’s Em Dash—Pauses in Performance—Peripherally Plagued by Matthew Morrison's Spoken Word Poetry and his Recounting of his 9/11 Experience (title to be spoken aloud) 

Total Cabinet Reshuffle: Trump’s Team Having an Emergency PR Crisis

Colette Paterson ‘28

Graphic by Colette Paterson ‘28

This afternoon it was abruptly announced that the Trump administration was completely disbanding its current cabinet. In what some are calling a “cabinet overhaul” or “clean sweep,” we see who has taken the sought after positions and how qualified they are for the roles. 

The Secretary of State was announced first. Marco Rubio stormed out in a rage after his new replacement came in berating him with a megaphone while wearing a red tracksuit. His replacement is none other than Sue Sylvester, of Glee fame. It is reported that she told him, “Just because you don’t like show tunes doesn’t make you less gay or awful.” 

Secretary of Labor head, Lori Chavez-DeRemer, left in solidarity after she saw another blonde with a pixie cut approaching the building. Ellen DeGeneres has left the television world behind and has now mentioned her plans of rolling back laws on child labor as the new Secretary of Labor. “When I had Sophia Grace and Rosie on my show they raked in millions. I plan on doing the same for this country!” It should be noted DeGeneres refused to comment on the canceling of The Ellen Show and Dakota Johnson’s responsibility in the fallout. 

The new Secretary of Energy was announced next after Chris Wright slammed his fists in anger at his dismissal. Charli XCX walked in not saying much about her new position. “I plan on having America really feel the rush. We will be bumping that for a while, I think.” Ms. XCX refused to comment on whether she meant the feeling of a rush, or the recreational drug popular in LGBTQ+ communities that is also the title of a hit Troye Sivan song.

The Secretary of Commerce change was announced around noon as Kris Jenner took the stage. Howard Lutnick started packing his bags at the time of her speech. She owned the moment and told the crowd, “I am so looking forward to helping the economic growth in this country. I have a few tricks up my sleeve to get this country back on track!” A reporter asked Jenner to comment on whether she had plans of using a sex tape for further advancement in American careers now that she is in a government position given the rumors about her daughter’s fame. “No comment.” Jenner said with a wink behind her square frame sunglasses. 

She then handed the microphone to none other than Martha Stewart, the new Secretary of Treasury replacing Scott Bessent. Yells erupted, as the cooking mogul is known for her insider trading scandal. Stewart kept it short and simple and stated, “I am here to fix the mess this country is in. You may not like me, but I am doing my job like it or not.” 

The Secretary of Interior was the next job to be replaced as Doug Burgum was effectively removed. It was announced that Wendy Williams will be taking his place. Williams did not give a speech as she was caught up outside signing autographs and asking for “the hot gossip” during the time of this announcement. 

The Secretary of Veteran Affairs was the next position announced nearing 2 p.m. EST. Out came Channing Tatum in his army costume from Magic Mike. Doug Collins threw him a twenty dollar bill, even though it was his job being taken. Tatum stood tall after walking and dancing on stage to “Pony” by Ginuwine. Cardi B came in connected to a harness from the ceiling to announce her new role as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. The famous rapper stated, “I mean, I was doing those MTA ads for a while and sure, they were fun, but I wanted to go to the next level! Here I am and here I will stay!” Scott Turner slammed the door behind him as he left his former position in lieu of the news. Secretary of Transportation, Sean Duffy, had someone in mind for his replacement, but the nation was shocked when Taylor Swift was announced to take the role. Swift made no comments, but Donald Trump did tweet, “I mean look at those private jet numbers. That’s someone who knows transportation.” It should also be noted that “Look What You Made Me Do” re-entered the Billboard charts. 

“Woaaahhhh mama,” cried out a voice from the back of the room. Reporters say mass hysteria fell across the audience as the Secretary of Health and Human Services new position was announced. Austin Butler (dressed as Elvis and in his voice) challenged Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to a dance battle and won, taking the sought after job. The stipulation for the role was that Butler must be wearing Presley’s recreated outfits and has to keep the accent. 

Linda McMahon, former Secretary of Education, had to be carried out as she yelled expletives when she learned of her replacement, Lea Michele. The actress/singer has been the topic of conversation online regarding her literacy and ability to read. The Phoenix wrote to Ms. Michele about the state of her literacy and new job, but did not receive an answer. 

Brooke Rollins, the former Secretary of Agriculture reportedly is already back on her farm after losing her place in the cabinet to Rob Rausch from Love Island. The snake wrangler captured the hearts of America and apparently the president as well. Rausch left no comment, but we pulled a tweet from the president during season 6 of Love Island which Rausch starred on. “I just love that farmer Rob. Dreamy eyes and can really handle business. We need him back in the USA so he can help MAGA!” Donald Trump did also allegedly commit voter fraud by trying to submit votes for Rob in the show’s finale that Rausch was not a part of. 

Kristi Noem, the former Secretary of Homeland Security, booked an emergency appointment at the nearest MediSpa at the news of her release. She was seen running away in fear from her replacement, JWoww from Jersey Shore. The reality tv star did comment saying, “Yeah it’s been Jenni for awhile, but I had to take JWoww out of retirement after seeing what a bad job Kristi did. It’s obvious that the woman has never hit a GTL.” Pam Bondi had a meltdown amidst her dismissal. Her successor, Abby Lee Miller, was heard screaming “SAVE YOUR TEARS FOR THE PILLOW!” in response to the emotional moment. The last position to be announced was the Secretary of Defense. 

Pete Hegseth left the room as his replacement, Azealia Banks, made her way to the stage. Due to the nature of what Miss Banks stated, The Phoenix cannot print the vulgar and explicit statements. Banks is known to have long-standing issues with people like Lana Del Rey, Perez Hilton, Nicki Minaj, Elon Musk and the entire nations of Ireland and Sweden.

The new cabinet team announcements were shocking, but promising. With names like these who knows where America will end up, but I bet it will be great and better than before.

The Barb Trenches: An Unspoken War

Sophia Willard ‘29

Graphic by Chloe Hild ‘26

Picture this. You arise early one morning in the middle of conference week with one thing on your mind: a picturesque, productive breakfast, a vision that can only be accomplished if your trusty whole wheat bagel with extra cream cheese and iced chai latte are consumed at the perfect place—the green swivel chairs in the Barb living room, the best of the best that campus has to offer. The dark side of obtaining this holy grail, however, and the everyday reality of Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) students is what it takes to get there first. 

The line for the Barb cafe is mutually acknowledged as a safe zone by all Barb warriors. Ordering and securing your food generally presents no issues, but the second you step outside of those retractable barriers and the warm light of the pastry case, you have entered no man’s land, and everything you have ever held dear is now on the line. 

Though it may have been sunny when you entered the Barb, the sky will immediately turn overcast as you scan your surroundings. Adrenaline pumps through your veins. Your heartbeat will pound in your ears, and your hands, slick with sweat, will struggle to keep ahold of your whole wheat bagel and iced chai latte. Regardless, losing your grip on your food is out of the question as it is all you have to defend yourself against the war raging in the living room. Panic will engulf you as you watch other students—fellow peers now turned foes—do the unspeakable as they vie for the lush upholstery lining the windows. 

You lock eyes with the enemy, a random girl who you’ve seen a total of three times around campus, but your unfamiliarity doesn’t matter at this moment. Nothing does except reaching the last set of green swivel chairs before her and her watered-down coffee. A single ray of light will break through the atrium’s glass and halo the prize. Determined, you’ll swallow your fear and move in, speedwalking as nonchalantly as possible towards the chair. You dodge various dirty looks cast your way—at Sarah Lawrence, they actually have the power to kill. The aggressive clink of bangles and the click-clack of high heels alerts you to the enemy falling in pursuit behind you. You’re terrified, but you can’t stop now. You mustn't. The chairs are so close, and for a moment, you think that the open spot is yours. 

Just as you’re about to throw your backpack onto the coveted cushion, one half of a peanut butter and jelly bagel slaps you square in the chest, taking you down to the ground with one hit. You look up as you fall to see a tote bag plop onto your rightful place, the spot you had fought so hard for. You begin to army crawl in one final, desperate attempt to reach the chairs; you refuse to have woken up this early for nothing! The sting of a high-heeled boot planted firmly on your back halts your movement. The enemy looks down upon you with cold pity and wags a finger at your crumpled form. She spares your life, but the shame you feel over your defeat is painful enough; you’ve officially lost your chance at a green swivel chair for the day, and succumbed to the Barb trenches. 

Best of luck to the Barb living room warriors this conference season, and Godspeed. 

Trump Reveals He Decided to Take Over Greenland After It Took Off its Glasses and Let Down its Ponytail

Sela Corliss ‘26

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

In a surprising new confession, President Trump disclosed that his obsession with acquiring Greenland began after seeing it for who it truly was as “a beautiful territory with integrity and passion,” and not “some dorky country with loser friends.” It all began back in January 2025, when, during a night of drinking and playing their favorite game (real-life battleship), Stephen Miller and Pete Hegseth bet the president that he couldn’t get Greenland before the unveiling of the new ballroom. Initially, Trump wasn’t quite sure what Greenland was, given that it wasn’t in any of the popular cliques. “I thought that was the one with Björk,” admitted the president. However, never one to turn down a bet and also never one to acquiesce to one of his male friends because that makes you gay, Trump accepted. 

The relationship started off innocently enough (or for Trump entirely maliciously), but eventually something unexpected occurred. Trump actually fell for Greenland. After Marco Rubio slid Trump a note with facts about Greenland that he immediately read out loud, the president knew what his first move would be. He decided  to pretend he needed assistance with the National Parks and get Greenland to tutor him. This would give him ample one on one time to do what he does best: show off his raw sex appeal and charm. At first Greenland was quite icy, but eventually warmed up. “Maybe something to do with that whole global warming thing?” 

They began to meet in secret, so Trump wouldn’t lose his street cred. It was infrequent in the beginning, but soon Trump began to grow closer with Greenland. “Something just… happened,” the president said, with a small chuckle and coy smile. “Greenland just gets me. Not the me that Elon, or JD, or that dumb ugly pig Karoline wants me to be, but the real me”. One day, amid a particularly earnest and revealing meeting, Trump wanted to try something. He asked Greenland to take out the pencil it used to keep its hair up, and he took off its glasses. “I mean it was like I was looking at a new Greenland,” Trump described. “A real knockout!” 

Canada, Trump’s former obsession, heard about this arrangement and grew jealous. Said a representative,“Trump used to talk about making Canada the 51st state, and now he’s apparently all obsessed with Greenland? It’s not even named correctly.” Miller and Hegseth were also reportedly upset with the amount of time Trump was spending with Greenland. “We felt like we were losing him. It’s like he didn’t even have time to do tariffs anymore,” admitted Miller. Together, Miller and Canada planned to tell Greenland that the relationship was nothing but a mere bet. 

Before Greenland could find out, however, Trump announced an emergency press conference. The president, notably nervous, recounted the story of his courtship with Greenland, bet and all. He concluded with this declaration, “I was embarrassed to be seen with such a beta place, so I hid it. I hid us. But I don’t care anymore… I need to shout it from the rooftops. I want to take over Greenland!”

Derek Zoolander Appears on Campus Only to Get Outmogged

Kelly Shea Dixon ‘28

Graphic by Ava Lazazzera ‘26

There has been a report of multiple film crew members and a large production team outside of President Cristle Collins Judd’s house. Rumors have circulated that it is an Apple TV production under the title of The Off Weeks. While many are unsure of the nature of the show, one thing is for certain: it has a star-studded cast. The main character is played by famous male model Derek Zoolander.

Many students have tried to catch a glimpse of the model and his famous “Blue Steele,” but only a few have been able to see him.

One anonymous source reported to The Phoenix that Zoolander’s arch rival, the infamous and controversial Clavicular, has arrived on campus to outmog Zoolander. Clavicular has had a long known stance of being a “Looksmaxxer” and has used controversial tactics to enhance his physique such as bone smashing, surgery and even possibly amphetamines. Zoolander stands opposed to Clavicular, as he is all-natural, and his blue steele is attributed purely to genetics. 

There is catering taking place in the Barbara Walters Campus Center (BWCC) Atrium for the cast and crew of the production. The same anonymous source reported seeing Clavicular in the Atrium causing a scene and asking repeatedly, “Where is Derek?”

Our source described an altercation that took place: “I was just walking through Barb on my way to class, and I heard a whiny voice yelling in that big room where all the film crew is always in… I heard [Clavicular] repeatedly yelling, ‘Where is Derek?’ And [the crew] was trying to kick him out, and I’ve heard they have a sort of Heated Rivalry secret affair thing going on, you know, and I think we all know who would be Ilya.” 

Clavicular has denied our request for a further comment on the altercation, but a close friend of his, President Judd, has agreed to comment on his behavior. Of his actions President Judd said she felt astounded, “I’ve known Braden—or, sorry, Clavicular—for quite some time; he actually helped me do some social media managing for the school’s Instagram account, which I’m quite active on. And I just want to say I am appalled by his behavior. Not his racism, that doesn’t bother me quite so much, but I draw the line at public disruption.”

Judd claims to know Braden Peters (Clavicular) through family friends. In the earlier quote, she mentioned offhand his occasional racism—use of racial slurs—but she didn’t expect him to cause a disruption on the campus. 

Of his actions, Judd posited, “I know he can seem intense, and he and Derek have a very complicated past, but honestly he’s a very nice boy and I have always respected him. And I told him his relationship with Derek is something that I am more than willing to be accepting of.” 

We have reached out to Mr. Zoolander for further comment, but he has denied our request. 

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

Sela Corliss ‘26

Happy February, my dear Gryphons! Valentine's Day is approaching, and given everyone on campus’s Adderall prescription, I feel confident in assuming that most of you have not procured suitable or possibly any presents for your significant others. Do not stress, though, because I am here with a comprehensive gift guide that is sure to woo and wow your partner/partners from Sarah Lawrence and the surrounding New York City area. 

For your boyfriend:

1. This first gift idea is a two-for-one. First, get a cute bookmark. It can be crocheted, leather, or something else that fits his vibe. Then (and this is the most important part), grab a DSM-5 and put the bookmark on the page about narcissism. Self reflection is sexy!

2. Listen, we all know that men (especially in NYC) want to seem cooler and deeper than they are or can ever possibly be. So let’s help them keep that front up! Get him a pre-distressed book that he can keep in his pocket, Elordi-style. Make sure the pages are already dogeared and the spine is sufficiently creased, so it really looks like he actually read it. Similarly you can go for a beaten up deck of cards that he “just always keeps on him just in case.”

3. Every guy just wants to be told that they are the funniest person in the room (and let’s be honest, probably thinks so already.) Let him have his dream/alternate reality that he lives in and bring him to an open mic that you have packed with actors. No matter how bad his set is he’ll crush and be on cloud nine for the next few months.*

* Be careful with this one, though, because this could inflate his ego too much and ruin him for you completely. 

For your polycule:

1. Nametags! I feel like it must get confusing in there. Have fun with it, though: try tin embossing or hand-knitting. 

For your girlfriend:

1. It’s important to let your girlfriend know that you listen to her. That you understand her. Grab a carton of figs and say some bullshit about Sylvia Plath and you’ll be golden.

2. Every girl’s dream is a dimly lit, kind of blurry/grainy candid-ish photo of her where she’s looking away enough that you can see her long eyelashes but not so much that it’s just the side profile of her nose. Ideally there’s some sort of candle lighting in the scene and she’s kind of laughing, but in a bashful way. So get that film camera out! If you go to Sarah Lawrence, I know you have one. 

3. If you’re a man, grow a mustache. If you “can’t,” grow up and figure it out. 

Here are a few ideas specifically based on NYC neighborhoods:

1. Fidi/Murray Hill finance boyfriend: Coke? Xanax? A mix of both? I don’t know, I just feel like their current vibe is not cutting it. 

2. Dimes Square partner: What they really want is romance, so go for a handwritten manifesto about the commercialism and unjust capitalist-rooted origins of this “Hallmark holiday.” You’re not going to get them flowers that were no doubt harvested through labor exploitation, and you’re most certainly not going to feed into this ubiquitous consumerism that only profits corporations and their ultimate domination of the economic landscape. 

3. West Village girlfriend: A pack of Pilates gift cards, but she can only unlock one class per chapter of Das Kapital that she gets through on her Kindle. Let’s pop that bubble they’re living in! And also new Bala Bangles. 

For your situationship:

When it comes to being in a vague relationship around Valentine’s Day, there are a few ways to play it. You can either randomly take a trip that weekend and avoid it all together, break things off beforehand, or go all in. If you decide to make it official, you can do so with one of the gift ideas above. If you need a way out, I have some thoughts:

1. If they are rich and from New York City, mention something about the Epstein files because it’s probably a sore subject. 

2. If they are pretentious, get them Letterboxd Patron status, and you’ll never have to see them again because they’ll be so distracted by fucking around with the posters.

3. If she is a girl, bring up that one photo of Kendall Jenner in the red set (she’ll know the one) and the fall-out from that should be enough to get you out. 

4. If he is a boy, get him the Marty Supreme jacket. He will no doubt be so annoying with it that you’ll have to leave him.

5. Tell them you loved the Superbowl Halftime Show and think that Kid Rock is really at the top of his game.

6. Get really into crypto. Ick. 

Eros’ 2026 Rebrand

Rachel O’Connor ‘26

This Valentine’s Day, Eros, who has trended in the past for being the God of Love (and his iconic celebrity wedding to Psyche), finds himself bored with his passionate persona. As the Kardashians have already displayed, 2026 is the year of the rebrand. Why shouldn’t Eros hop on the train? 

To appeal to his new Gen Z audience, Eros is no more. Say hello to his new version of selfhood: Situatos. Why Situatos, you ask?  Well, let’s go to Eros, er, Situatos, and get the answer from the horse’s mouth.

“Yeah, they named the ‘situationship’ after me. What can I say? Investing in your personal brand works,” Situatos said when asked for comment. He added that “Situatos” had a much better ring to it than his second choice in branding, “FriendsWithBenefits-os.” 

For our less savvy readers, a situationship is when you’re more than friends and less than lovers. In other words, a soul-crushing limbo that only leads to self-cut micro bangs and a shiny new Pilates studio membership.

Situatos can be spotted on the Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) campus this Valentine’s Day, market testing his new rebranded look: a white wifebeater, Carhartt beanie, and a copy of The Bell Jar sticking out of his seemingly bottomless jorts pockets. Don’t forget the patchy pornstache that only exists to give you the worst case of beard burn you’ve ever had in your life (you know, so you have something to remember him by).

Our on-the-ground reporter attempted to pull Situatos for further comment, but instead found herself trapped in conversation with one of the dozen other SLC men that fit that exact description. One man, however, did agree to give his totally relevant and definitely solicited opinion.

“Yeah, Situatos is really chill, actually. He put me onto this super underground band called Geese. Have you heard of them?” he said, before giving our reporter his Substack username because he’s “not on Insta like that.” I see bleached hair in our reporter’s future.

For our trendy readers who want to get a jump on this whole situationship thing, we recommend redownloading Hinge and letting the amount of likes you get consume your every waking thought. That’s never gone wrong before! Remember that meeting the parents and discussing adopting a three-legged cat is okay, but having the “what are we” talk is far too intimate. 

Happy situationing!

Admin’s Manifesto: Bringing DOGE to SLC

Rachel O’Connor

Illustration by Benin Polanco-Morales ‘29

This just in! I’ve gotten my hands on a new set of initiatives fresh off the President's desk. It’s amazing what you can learn from scavenging in the gold-plated dumpsters outside of the President’s new palatial digs. 

As we all know by now, as evidenced by dorm buildings literally falling apart (looking at you Hill House fire escape), Sarah Lawrence is in some serious need of green. And by green, I mean money, not the other stuff. With the school’s small endowment and collection of fabulously wealthy and wildly famous alumni, money is something echoing around all of the admin's minds. Some would say Scrooge suffered a similar affliction, but that’s neither here nor there. 

Enter “Cristle’s Manifesto,” as I affectionately call it: a collection of policies meant to reduce costs and generate fresh revenue for the college. It seems that charging families a $30-per-person admission fee to indulge in a food truck taco during parents’ weekend was only the first horseman of the apocalypse.

The exceedingly wordy proclamation, riddled with HR speak, will be published later tonight on MySLC. Where? Who knows. Perhaps try asking the students who were recently dragooned into “updating” the website as their conference project. Not to be mistaken with the conference project that spawned the class-selection algorithm, complete with scheduled registration-day website crashes (got your pitchforks and torches ready yet?).

But fear not! I am here to break down some of the highlights. Kicking off the reforms are new hours for Bates dining hall: Mondays and Thursdays 5:00 a.m. to 5:18 a.m.; all of Friday the 13; Saturdays from 6 to7 p.m. (but only if it’s a leap year) and every other hour the night of full moons. The reduced meal hours will not only save on staff expenses, but will result in less food consumed and therefore fewer charges from local urgent care facilities. But don’t worry, to compensate us for the inconvenience of the abrupt shift in meal hours, Bates will be introducing an only slightly-sketchy seafood boil station to be enjoyed on the days the building is actually open, with listeria and ptomaine poisoning included in the price of admission. And they say Admin doesn’t know how to compromise!

In addition to the new Bates hours, all buildings will now only have power from 9:00 a.m. (just in time for your 9:30 a.m. class) to 5:00 p.m., except Westlands, which will have power 24/7 and will be outfitted with a newer, more reliable AC system (only on the faculty floors, of course) and work-study students wielding large palm fronds to fan administration functionaries as they meander throughout the building.

Each classroom will now be outfitted with its very own metal bucket! That way when the ceiling pops a leak in the middle of your seminar in the Dudley Lawrence Living Room (not that this happened recently or anything), there will be no need to call maintenance. After all, maintenance costs money, and how could Admin bear to divert any funds from the excessive landscaping or the state-of-the-art leafblowers? Besides, doesn’t everyone want to learn about Marx to the relaxing ambience of Chinese water torture? Some would really say that’s a feature, not a bug or a health hazard. Whatever. Make sure to let the tour guides know so they can slip that one in right between the helpful RAs who have totally not gone on strike in recent memory and the top-of-their field professors who are definitely being paid an (almost) living wage. 

In addition to it being dumped somewhere on MySLC never to see the light of day, the manifesto will allegedly also be buried at the bottom of one of the 700 daily emails circulated by the college. Blink and you’ll miss it! We’ll be following up on this story later this week by collecting community opinions on the initiatives from what we all know are the two most reliable, thoughtful and sober sources of information and considered opinion on this campus: SLC Anonymous and Fizz. Keep an eye out and Go Gryphons!

Breaking: Sarah Lawrence Announces Intention to Change Name

Sela Corliss ‘26

In a groundbreaking announcement made early this morning, Sarah Lawrence College has introduced its plan to change its name. According to the college’s representative, growing concerns and pushback from students have led Sarah Lawrence to believe that it is important and integral to the school’s mission and reputation that it not flaunt and promote the name of an old white woman. 

A reporter for The Phoenix sat down with a co-chair of the Committee to Rename Sarah Lawrence College (CTRSLC):

How are you feeling since the administration’s announcement?

I for one am elated. This is a huge win against the administration as well as decades of oppression and elitism. Almost gone are the days when we strong, proud students, will be forced to represent ourselves and our education in the same sentence as some old white lady. It’s time we move on. And move forward.

And who is Sarah Lawrence?

What?

Why was the school named after her?

Next question. 

Prior to the school’s declaration, the CTRSLC had been staging protests, making posters, and contacting famous alumni and figures to help their cause. The committee had flooded the comment section of the official Yoko Ono Instagram account, stationed themselves outside of Jordan Peele’s most recent production, and attempted to get in touch with Barbara Walters’ ghost via Ouija board. The efforts proved futile, although some members of the committee claim that the Ouija board did move slightly to “no” when they called her “Barb” as opposed to Barbara.  

The school’s official notice announcing its aim to rename the college before the next semester also included that the college hopes to get its new name from the students. Pieces of paper and QR code links to electronic forms were passed around/posted online for the student body to submit their suggestions. The Phoenix was given exclusive access to the range of current options and frontrunners. 

As of right now, there are two names leading the race. Toni Morrison has 534 votes, with Karl Marx following closely behind with 482. Our reporter asked the committee co-chair about these options:

“I think that either of these choices would be appropriate. Both figures represent our views, principles, and I would personally be proud to put their names on my resume,” the co-chair said. 

Doesn’t Karl Marx being an old white guy kind of defeat the purpose of this whole thing?

It’s different.

How?

It just is. He’s a comrade. 

So it doesn’t make it worse that not only is he old and white, but he’s also male?

Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were a sexist capitalist sheep.

Two other names also have legs, and appear to share a reasoning. The student body seems to want to push for “gay icons” (as is stated in the forms), whether it be “Iago and Othello College” (a specific campaign from Sarah Lawrence’s various theater troupes), or “Chappell Roan University.”  

Below are other possible contenders, in no particular order:

1. Ottessa Moshfegh

2. Trixie Mattel 

3. Luigi Mangione

4. Sean Baker

5. Luigi Mangione

6. Ayo Edebri 

7. Kamala Harris’ cool stepdaughter

8. The original cast of Hamilton

9. Coleman Domingo

10. Keegan Michael Key (we think some people may have gotten confused)

11. Hannah Horvath (separate from Lena Dunham)

12. The cast of Challengers

13. Bad Bunny

14. Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams (those astronauts who were stuck in space)

15. Stephen Colbert (as a tribute)

16. G Hannelius (alum)

17. Those three freak siblings from White Lotus

18. No makeup Pamela Anderson

Cristle Collins Judd, president of Sarah Lawrence College (as it is currently known), will be holding a press conference next month to announce the winner, so keep an eye out. In the meantime, polls are still open and campaigns are still running in effect. The group pushing for Luca Guadagnino College are giving out peach and cannibalism-themed treats in Barb, and “team Sylvia Plath” are stationed on South Lawn with figs.

Don’t Judge a Class By Its Title

Rachel O’Connor ‘26

What follows is a cautionary tale about the perils of not reading your class syllabus. Do not let this happen to you.

Students taking Dr. Grey’s always popular Unethical Science lecture were downright horrified by their classmate’s conference project presentation last week. Allegra Furter, a junior transfer who allegedly hadn’t attended a class after syllabus day, claims, “It’s really not that bad. You guys are being mean.”

“It’s a crime against nature,” one of her classmates said. 

“I was pretty sure she dropped the class, and then she just showed up with that…that thing,” said another.

“I actually threw up. Like it smelled so bad. It was, like, rotting.”

“The creature? Oh yeah he’s chill. Bummed a cigarette off him…he should probably stop using a rock as deodorant.”

Eyewitness reports describe the creature as a nine-foot tall amalgamation of body parts that may or may not be human, with some reports suggesting the use of roadkill in its creation. 

“Its face literally looks like raw ground beef with two eyes just jammed in there. And it has this massive black hole for the mouth that just goes on forever. Like a slip n’ slide. Or a garbage chute. How does it eat? Like seriously it doesn’t have teeth? You don’t think it eats people right? Hey…ummm…this is anonymous right? It’s not going to come after me or anything, is it?”

Furter defended her creation saying, “Oh my god I ran out of animals, okay? Cars aren’t running down skunks everyday. I know the class is Unethical Science, but if you expect me to be killing them myself, you’re insane. I borrowed some leftovers out of the communal fridge. I’m pretty sure whatever that was used to be an animal at some point. It counts.”

Rest assured, all our witnesses will remain anonymous to protect them from retribution or  nasty Fizz posts made about them. There is no concrete evidence the creature eats people.

In an odd twist, the creature disappeared for almost eight hours yesterday, only for it to be discovered that the creature had parked itself, incognito, in the faculty lounge. It was fitting right in with its evolved opinions on Hegel, heuristics, and the obvious connection between fifteenth-century gender norms and the comedic arc of Rick and Morty. 

When asked for further comment, Furter simply shrugged it off and said, “It’s vegan.” Despite its horrific appearance and vomit-inducing smell, the disclosure of the creature’s vegan status immediately vaulted its social standing above the roughly 2% of Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) students who don’t profess to be vegan.

Someone might want to tell the creature about the source of its newfound social status because an SLC Anonymous post alleged he was seen leaving The Barb with chicken nuggets last night. 

One user commented, “I guess nobody warned him about the food poisoning.” Despite efforts, we have been unable to confirm that an angry mob of torch-wielding, Birkenstock-wearing SLC students were hunting for the creature last night, seeking vengeance for the creature’s crime against humanity of eating some undefined parts of a chicken.

We tried asking the creature for a comment but he just made an uncomfortable series of grunts and wet gurgles before handing  us a cigarette. After learning our interviewee was not the creature but actually a long-suffering adjunct professor, we located the creature and were treated to the same grunt-and-gurgle routine. Seems like the creature would do great in prison. Or in the SLC administration.

When asked how Furter came up with the idea for such a…unique project she said, “I’ve never taken a science class before, so I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I watched Lisa Frankenstein, and she’s just, like, so me-coded. I didn’t have a tanning bed though, so I made it in a contraband air fryer I keep under my bed.” 

You would think subverting nature and creating life à la Frankenstein would earn Furter a solid evaluation, right? We asked Dr. Grey to weigh in.

Dr. Grey sighed loudly, took off her glasses, and rubbed her face with her hands. This was probably not a good sign for poor Allegra Furter.

“I don’t think she even read the course description, much less the syllabus. I really don’t know what she was even doing in my class.”

“I needed the science credit to graduate,” was Furter’s defense.

Dr. Grey went on to say, “Unethical Science is a class for reviewing cases of historically-poor science and talking about what went wrong and what could have been done to make the experiment more ethical. We’re trying to teach students how to approach science with respect and dignity. Conference projects were meant to be an essay about an instance of unethical behavior and why it was so dishonest. Which she would know, if she ever came to class. I wanted presentations on Rosalind Franklin or the Stanford Prison Experiment. Not a student literally using science unethically to create the creature from the black lagoon.”

One student disagreed, saying, “Take a look at our course catalog.  Unethical Science sits right there with classes like Breathing is not a Natural Act, Microdosing Happiness: The Positive Effects of Shrooms on the Brain, and Hooked on a Feeling: Hookup Culture as a Form of Self-Expression. A class designed to create grotesque monsters out of road kill would seem to fit right in.” 

Say what you want about Furter, but at least she didn’t abandon her creation. Rumor has it he's sleeping on the couch in the Garrison common room and having a great time publicly reading The Bell Jar on the South Lawn while wearing jorts and wife beater. Rumor is it's even a feminist. We would say that’s pretty ethical, Dr. Grey. 

We asked Furter’s suitemates to weigh in.

“I mean he does the dishes, which Allegra has literally never done. I say we kick her out and let the creature take her room,” said one.  

“Oh, the creature? I don’t care. What I do care about is that [redacted] Allegra used my leftovers for her weird science project! It had my name on it!” 

“Most normal thing to happen in Garrison, to be honest.”

Another suitemate added, “He doesn’t walk around the suite naked or roll joints on the carpet, and he puts a sock on the doorknob when he’s eating a houseguest inside. He’s probably in the top half of suitemates around here.”

We asked the Residential Assistant (RA) for a comment but they just grumbled something about updated roommate agreements and not being compensated nearly enough for this [redacted]. They then trudged off, an air of defeat wafting along behind them. 

Moral(s) of the story? Read the syllabus, if you create a freak of nature it’s your responsibility, and be kind to your RAs.

Good Girls Go to Heaven, But Cool Girls Go to Tumblr: A Revival of the Blog

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

Tiktok is dead and buried. Facebook is only relevant if you’re over the age of fifty. Instagram is on thin ice (and that’s only if you’re casual about it). Twitter is run by a literal Nazi. If you even try to bring up Snapchat, I’ll laugh in your face. 

So… What is the next big social media platform? 

Well, sorry to be the one to break the news to you, but the age of social media is over, and the age of the personal blog is back. It’s time to have a personalized website layout, a DNI list, and a self-designed HTML code. 

The people yearn for Tumblr. 

Tumblr is the peak form of social media. MySpace is kind of lame now, and it’s hard to use. Believe me, I’ve tried. I don’t think I’m the only one who misses the early 2000s MySpace. I should have been working on my custom page layout in 2007, but I was a toddler. Talk about a missed opportunity. Tumblr fills that void, and it does so in an efficient, easy-to-use, and totally fun way. 

You might be wondering: why Tumblr? I’m so glad you asked! First off, Tumblr is relatively uncensored, which means you don’t have to see the “censored for higher engagement” terms like ‘le$bean’ or ‘wuhluhwuh’, so it is already a huge improvement from TikTok. However, you can block out certain tags that you do not want to see, in order to avoid certain triggers or dislikes, which comes in handy! For example, if I did not want to see anything related to the term ‘Scary’, I could block that tag, and I would not see anything tagged as ‘Scary’ on my recommended feed. 

Truly, Tumblr is the superior social media platform. Where all other platforms fall short, Tumblr rises above the rest, going above and beyond. TikTok, even before the additional censorship, has always been somewhat stressful. All I am going to say is that Tumblr has never recommended people who bullied me in middle school as “People You Might Know”, nor has it shown me that my ex’s new sneaky link is stalking my page. Also, Tumblr hides follower counts, so you don’t have to worry about seeming ‘uncool’. Really, though, nothing is ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’. But if anything were to be ‘cool’, it would be Tumblr. 

The revival of the personal blog is coming, and I know that I will be the first to welcome it. While others argue about the next ‘big thing’ in social media, I’ll be working on the color scheme and layout for my Tumblr blog, and you should do the same.