THE ASHTRAY
The Ashtray
Welcome back to Miss Sadie Lou, to all you Gryphons old and new. As Fall has begun to Fall upon our campus, it is time to address the elephant in the room: Halloweekend 2026. *The Ashtray is the Satire column of The Phoenix*
This past weekend, Sept. 25-27, many Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) students experienced their first nor’easter. A nor’easter is a storm that forms over the Atlantic Ocean and spirals onto the Northeast coast of America, differing from both hurricanes and SLC students in that it thrives on cold air. Meteorologists called for flash floods, gallons of rain, and racecar-fast winds throughout all of New York, and they certainly did not exaggerate.
An anonymous source on the production team for the Apple TV series that has been filming on campus has revealed to the Phoenix that the project is a limited series adaptation of a fanfiction originally posted on Archive of Our Own (AO3) concerning a romance between Heated Rivalry stars Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie.
There is nothing more fundamentally “Sarah Lawrence” than an overly ambitious, convoluted, interdisciplinary conference project. We asked some Gryphons to share their past work and they did not disappoint.
This afternoon it was abruptly announced that the Trump administration was completely disbanding its current cabinet. In what some are calling a “cabinet overhaul” or “clean sweep,” we see who has taken the sought after positions and how qualified they are for the roles.
Picture this. You arise early one morning in the middle of conference week with one thing on your mind: a picturesque, productive breakfast, a vision that can only be accomplished if your trusty whole wheat bagel with extra cream cheese and iced chai latte are consumed at the perfect place—the green swivel chairs in the Barb living room, the best of the best that campus has to offer. The dark side of obtaining this holy grail, however, and the everyday reality of Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) students is what it takes to get there first.
In a surprising new confession, President Trump disclosed that his obsession with acquiring Greenland began after seeing it for who it truly was as “a beautiful territory with integrity and passion,” and not “some dorky country with loser friends.”
There has been a report of multiple film crew members and a large production team outside of President Cristle Collins Judd’s house. Rumors have circulated that it is an Apple TV production under the title of The Off Weeks. While many are unsure of the nature of the show, one thing is for certain: it has a star-studded cast. The main character is played by famous male model Derek Zoolander.