Nora Searles

In 2011, Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen claimed that Portland was a magical place where people could go to stay in their 90s alternative heaven. Now, in 2024, I have decided to pass the candle over to a new place where that same dream can thrive: Sarah Lawrence College. Goodbye Oregon, hello Yonkers!

Have you noticed a sudden influx of lululemon-wearing sorority girls, or too many promotions about the negative side effects of smoking around every corner? Look no further than Sarah Lawrence: Gregg Araki’s nonconformist dreamscape of aliens and raves materializes in this one-mile radius.

Remember the opening scene of “Wayne’s World”, where they’re driving in the Mirthmobile, listening to “Bohemian Rhapsody” on the way to a burger joint? That’s what Friday nights look like here at SLC, except the car is a Subaru Forester, students are listening to The Dare, and they’re probably on the hunt for Impossible Meat™. If Portland is becoming a bit too mainstream, don’t fret! Just across the U.S. lies a blended world of final girls and sleaze-queens, where people either dress like the Dude from “The Big Lebowski” or Morticia Addams.

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where students’ to-do lists are as follows:

12 p.m.: Wake and bake

1 p.m.: Eat vegan tofu scramble from Bates

3 p.m.: Sell used clothes in front of Barb, and inflate prices for freshman

5 p.m.: Hang out

5:30 p.m.: Smoke another joint

10 p.m.: Fuck around

3 a.m.: Pass out

Repeat

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where everyone crowds in a single dorm to watch someone get a tramp stamp by a butch lesbian with a brand-new tattoo gun and plans to make it big. “Far out,” the people chant, because here at SLC, we support local artists, no matter the fact that the person will probably have the tattoo re-lined and filled in by a professional a few days later.

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where we only take three classes, and a 9:30 a.m. class is considered early. What are these classes, you might ask? Anything in your wildest, weirdest dreams. Anything goes at Sarah Lawrence. In an economics class? Try doing an interpretive dance personifying capitalism for your conference project!

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where everyone has a hobby. Hobbies include, but are not limited to: clowning, selective grass breeding, playing guitar poorly, nunchuck skills, experimental drugs, open relationships, sword-fighting, sauerkraut, vegan alternatives and collecting strains of oatmilk.

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where everyone is in at least one band. Listen to their stuff on Spotify. Sound familiar? You’re probably thinking of Fiona Apple, Pavement or Mazzy Star.

Men are either gay or ride skateboards. Sorry, was that mean? It doesn’t matter because here at Sarah Lawrence, you can safely live out your riot-grrrl dreams of being a man-hating feminist. One of them wrote this article!

Inspired by the beloved late 90s movie, “Practical Magic”, freshman witches live out their whimsigothic dreams by congregating on the North Lawn to sacrifice the men sneaking into the Taylor B floor kitchenette bathroom to shit.

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, like the girl in “Empire Records” who shaves her head in the bathroom of the record store she works at. Here at Sarah Lawrence, you can make that a performance art piece!

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where the only relationship options available are either a situationship or a polycule. The other, less mentioned relationship would be a cis-het couple, colloquially known as glorified hell. Relax and enjoy watching “The L Word” in the same room as your current lover, your ex lover and the five other people in the room you have definitely made out with at a Slonim party.

Some of the perks of living in the 90s bubble called SLC are as follows: your active culture sourdough starter along with your mint, basil, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme will thrive, as long as you feed them all your bong water.

Think of this place like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” but every day. Neighbors knock on your door for an American Spirit in trade of freshly-baked brownies. They’re plant-based, of course — in more ways than one.

Everyone has a label, but if your label is too short, it’s meaningless. You can’t just be gay, you must be gay with a passion for good coffee. Overhear the only man in your Buddhism class talking about the local coffee house: “They don’t even grind their own beans,” he says as everyone cheers because thank god, this man knows what he’s talking about. They don’t grind their own beans? That is a crime of the 90s, and it is absolute blasphemy.

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence College. If you don’t believe me, ask around in your film class! Half of the people in it are probably from Portland.

The Dream of the 90s is Alive at Sarah Lawrence