In a groundbreaking announcement made early this morning, Sarah Lawrence College has introduced its plan to change its name. According to the college’s representative, growing concerns and pushback from students have led Sarah Lawrence to believe that it is important and integral to the school’s mission and reputation that it not flaunt and promote the name of an old white woman. 

What follows is a cautionary tale about the perils of not reading your class syllabus. Do not let this happen to you.

Tiktok is dead and buried. Facebook is only relevant if you’re over the age of fifty. Instagram is on thin ice (and that’s only if you’re casual about it). Twitter is run by a literal Nazi. If you even try to bring up Snapchat, I’ll laugh in your face. So… What is the next big social media platform?

We received feedback directly from the community that Sarah Lawrence was feeling left out on these traditions. Sure, we have Sleazeball and 30x30, but we needed something fresh and new.  Don’t worry, Gryphon Nation! We have come up with the perfect tradition, perfectly tailored to the lovely, lovely students of the college! 

Apparently, we already have a few rivals. I say “apparently” because none of them are ‘real’ rivals. One of our so-called ‘college rivals’ is Vassar College, which is a joke. Every single student that I know was waitlisted from Vassar. I’ve also heard people say that our rival is NYU. I do not believe that in the slightest. I don’t think NYU even knows that we are their rival, which makes it kind of embarrassing. We need a rival who is going to actually know that we exist. 

“Recently, the development office received a letter from an alumna in San Francisco who was distressed by the rumor that the campus is now 50 percent homosexual”, states Anne Rophie in her article for The New York Times. 

Realistically, it is probably closer to 90 percent. 

Most people on campus have read the article that Rophie dedicates to talking about one so-called ‘problem’: most of the Sarah Lawrence student body is queer. Honestly, that is a pretty accurate read. But is it a problem? No. But in the year 2025, there is an actual problem. A new trouble plaguing Sarah Lawrence . (No, it’s not another cult.) 

Where are all of the emos at Sarah Lawrence College? 

One of the main complaints I hear from my fellow Gryphons is that it is undeniably, excruciatingly difficult to date at Sarah Lawrence. Listen, I get it. And I’m here to help. A lot more goes into successfully finding a partner at Sarah Lawrence than it would at a bigger – or even small, but normal – school. I have put together a foolproof procedure to guide you all on how to conquer your fears and convince some of the scariest people on the planet (cool girls at Sarah Lawrence) to go out with you.

In a surprise announcement at this year’s athletic banquet, Sarah Lawrence College has announced that it will be starting a football team for the first time since a short-lived run a number of years ago. This announcement has come alongside some other surprising choices made by the newest addition to the athletic community: the first of which being that the team has decided to “own their own means of production” by immediately staging a coup d'etat and coaching themselves.

At a press conference on Oct. 27th—coincidentally held on Sylvia Plath’s birthday—Cristle Collins Judd’s speech ended with her noting that she is “aware that many of our students identify with the LGBTQ+ community, but as far as I’m concerned, you all fit under ‘G’: Gryphons.” 

I sincerely hope your fall semester is going well. I know that conference week is coming up and none of you have started your papers. I am offering encouragement! You are all invited to the president's house for some apple cider and s’mores. I don't live there, but I hear it's nice. I live somewhere much more decadent where Dr. Martens® will never get a chance to tread. 

The school aims to implement it in the next few years. While Sarah Lawrence College has prided itself on having been entirely test-optional since 2003 – meaning that prospective applicants do not have to submit SAT or ACT scores in order to be considered for admission – the new admissions structure is altering this policy, and other colleges may be soon to follow. 

I offer you ghouls a glimpse into the future – a prediction, of sorts, with my crystal ball. The crystal ball knows all, and it thinks that this Halloweekend at SLC will be as messy as your communal kitchen.