From the Desk of Crystal Kollins-Jud

By Cleo Harris-Cummins ‘27


Dear Members of the Sarah Lawrence community,


I sincerely hope your fall semester is going well. I know that conference week is coming up and none of you have started your papers. I am offering encouragement! You are all invited to the president's house for some apple cider and s’mores. I don't live there, but I hear it's nice. I live somewhere much more decadent where Dr. Martens® will never get a chance to tread. 


Announcements


  • We have consulted with the student athletes and they have voted to change the mascot. “Gryphon”, we unanimously decided, was too whimsical. We are now……. The Sarah Lawrence Bulls! We think that this sends off a more normative message, making us tougher in our sports department which, as we all know, is the pride and joy of this school. 


  • We have heard your complaints about the school’s lack of diversity. To rectify this and invite new perspectives, we have decided to hire, at the very minimum, 4 conservative professors. We are conducting a job search from a pool of candidates who listen to Joe Rogan and were present at the January 6th insurrection. I want you to know I hear your worries that this school is too “liberal.” We are trying to expand our horizons, and this is only one of many of the ways we will be doing so. 


  • Speaking of professors, we have decided to start paying their salary in Meal Money and cigarettes. We believe that our professors should be teaching because they love to teach, not because they want to make money. This does, however, mean that we will only be hiring guest professors from now on. Tenure is overrated.


  • We are opening a new gym! The basketball team and the soccer team need their own spaces without NARPS getting in their way. We have begun drawing up plans for a new indoor soccer complex and weight room. Unfortunately, this does mean  that the PAC will be shutting down; we need space for this new gym. 


  • Get excited! A new safe space is opening in Bates for all the straight couples on campus. I want to acknowledge the marginalization that straight people feel in this environment. The SSS (straight safe space) will be hosting weekly screenings of “Grey's Anatomy.” We are so grateful to be partnering with Lululemon, the official SSS sponsor. They will be handing out free Scuba Hoodies at 10 a.m. on Tuesday to those with swipe access to the SSS. 


  • I am sad to announce that we will all need to say our last goodbyes to Barbara Walters’ Emmys. The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences found out about Sleazeball and they do not want her reputation being associated with that kind of tomfoolery. I am pleased to announce that the BWCC will now be officially named The Barb, in honor of Nicki Minaj. Her Grammys will be taking the place of the Emmys in the glass display. 


  • Finally, we are so honored to invite Amy Schumer to be our new financial advisor, spokesperson, and investor. I hope you can all welcome her with open arms.  


A couple reminders

  1. Please remember to keep your feet off the seats of the MetroNorth. I have been receiving complaints from commuters that too many Sarah Lawrence students rest their sambas on the seats, denting the cushion and dirtying the seat with the cigarette ash that I'm sure is on your soles. Also, remember that when you dye your hair, it can rub off on the headrest, so don't lean back. 

  2. Please also remember to fill out the monthly subscription form and pay your dues. At Sarah Lawrence, we want to reject modernity and embrace tradition. The subscription cost includes a pack of cigarettes per week (except if you smoke camel crush, then you have to buy them yourself, I wont have your bad taste tarnishing our reputation) and 10 locally grown pre-rolls from a local woman-owned dispensary. This initiative is meant to discourage students from vaping and hitting dab pens because, truthfully, that shit is embarrassing. 

  3. Final reminder: Do NOT smile at your peers. I don't care if you have two classes with them. Don't be a sissy. 


Shout Outs and Acknowledgements

Shout out to all the polyamorous people on campus! 

Shout out to all the girls with cat headphones!

Shout out to my POC (people on campus, we out here)!

Shout out to myself; self love is important! Every day that I wake up and pick out my kelly green outfit is a day that I am winning!

Shout out to The Penix! I love student-run journalism, and I know that at Sarah Lawrence we have only the best. 



Yours, 

Crystal Kollins-Jud

President, Sarah Lawrence College

Instagram: slcprezzz42069

SLC Phoenix