Derek Zoolander Appears on Campus Only to Get Outmogged

Kelly Shea Dixon ‘28

Graphic by Ava Lazazzera ‘26

There has been a report of multiple film crew members and a large production team outside of President Cristle Collins Judd’s house. Rumors have circulated that it is an Apple TV production under the title of The Off Weeks. While many are unsure of the nature of the show, one thing is for certain: it has a star-studded cast. The main character is played by famous male model Derek Zoolander.

Many students have tried to catch a glimpse of the model and his famous “Blue Steele,” but only a few have been able to see him.

One anonymous source reported to The Phoenix that Zoolander’s arch rival, the infamous and controversial Clavicular, has arrived on campus to outmog Zoolander. Clavicular has had a long known stance of being a “Looksmaxxer” and has used controversial tactics to enhance his physique such as bone smashing, surgery and even possibly amphetamines. Zoolander stands opposed to Clavicular, as he is all-natural, and his blue steele is attributed purely to genetics. 

There is catering taking place in the Barbara Walters Campus Center (BWCC) Atrium for the cast and crew of the production. The same anonymous source reported seeing Clavicular in the Atrium causing a scene and asking repeatedly, “Where is Derek?”

Our source described an altercation that took place: “I was just walking through Barb on my way to class, and I heard a whiny voice yelling in that big room where all the film crew is always in… I heard [Clavicular] repeatedly yelling, ‘Where is Derek?’ And [the crew] was trying to kick him out, and I’ve heard they have a sort of Heated Rivalry secret affair thing going on, you know, and I think we all know who would be Ilya.” 

Clavicular has denied our request for a further comment on the altercation, but a close friend of his, President Judd, has agreed to comment on his behavior. Of his actions President Judd said she felt astounded, “I’ve known Braden—or, sorry, Clavicular—for quite some time; he actually helped me do some social media managing for the school’s Instagram account, which I’m quite active on. And I just want to say I am appalled by his behavior. Not his racism, that doesn’t bother me quite so much, but I draw the line at public disruption.”

Judd claims to know Braden Peters (Clavicular) through family friends. In the earlier quote, she mentioned offhand his occasional racism—use of racial slurs—but she didn’t expect him to cause a disruption on the campus. 

Of his actions, Judd posited, “I know he can seem intense, and he and Derek have a very complicated past, but honestly he’s a very nice boy and I have always respected him. And I told him his relationship with Derek is something that I am more than willing to be accepting of.” 

We have reached out to Mr. Zoolander for further comment, but he has denied our request.