Trump Reveals He Decided to Take Over Greenland After It Took Off its Glasses and Let Down its Ponytail
Sela Corliss ‘26
Photo via Wikimedia Commons
In a surprising new confession, President Trump disclosed that his obsession with acquiring Greenland began after seeing it for who it truly was as “a beautiful territory with integrity and passion,” and not “some dorky country with loser friends.” It all began back in January 2025, when, during a night of drinking and playing their favorite game (real-life battleship), Stephen Miller and Pete Hegseth bet the president that he couldn’t get Greenland before the unveiling of the new ballroom. Initially, Trump wasn’t quite sure what Greenland was, given that it wasn’t in any of the popular cliques. “I thought that was the one with Björk,” admitted the president. However, never one to turn down a bet and also never one to acquiesce to one of his male friends because that makes you gay, Trump accepted.
The relationship started off innocently enough (or for Trump entirely maliciously), but eventually something unexpected occurred. Trump actually fell for Greenland. After Marco Rubio slid Trump a note with facts about Greenland that he immediately read out loud, the president knew what his first move would be. He decided to pretend he needed assistance with the National Parks and get Greenland to tutor him. This would give him ample one on one time to do what he does best: show off his raw sex appeal and charm. At first Greenland was quite icy, but eventually warmed up. “Maybe something to do with that whole global warming thing?”
They began to meet in secret, so Trump wouldn’t lose his street cred. It was infrequent in the beginning, but soon Trump began to grow closer with Greenland. “Something just… happened,” the president said, with a small chuckle and coy smile. “Greenland just gets me. Not the me that Elon, or JD, or that dumb ugly pig Karoline wants me to be, but the real me”. One day, amid a particularly earnest and revealing meeting, Trump wanted to try something. He asked Greenland to take out the pencil it used to keep its hair up, and he took off its glasses. “I mean it was like I was looking at a new Greenland,” Trump described. “A real knockout!”
Canada, Trump’s former obsession, heard about this arrangement and grew jealous. Said a representative,“Trump used to talk about making Canada the 51st state, and now he’s apparently all obsessed with Greenland? It’s not even named correctly.” Miller and Hegseth were also reportedly upset with the amount of time Trump was spending with Greenland. “We felt like we were losing him. It’s like he didn’t even have time to do tariffs anymore,” admitted Miller. Together, Miller and Canada planned to tell Greenland that the relationship was nothing but a mere bet.
Before Greenland could find out, however, Trump announced an emergency press conference. The president, notably nervous, recounted the story of his courtship with Greenland, bet and all. He concluded with this declaration, “I was embarrassed to be seen with such a beta place, so I hid it. I hid us. But I don’t care anymore… I need to shout it from the rooftops. I want to take over Greenland!”
