Sarah Lawrence College Announces New Tradition

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

Dearest Gryphon Nation,   

Hopefully, your conference season of Spring 2025 has been off to a lovely start, and you have been able to stay warm despite the freezing weather. There is some exciting news that the college would like to share: 

We are all aware of the fact that different colleges have unique traditions: SUNY Purchase has Culture Shock, Binghamton University has Santacon and NYU has… Barron Trump. We received feedback directly from the community that Sarah Lawrence was feeling left out on these traditions. Sure, we have Sleazeball and 30x30, but we needed something fresh and new. 

Don’t worry, Gryphon Nation! We have come up with the perfect tradition, perfectly tailored to the lovely, lovely students of the college! 

For the first time in the history of Sarah Lawrence College, we will be hosting a Cry-A-Thon! (Thank you to the sponsors of this event: Sarah Lawrence College Alumni.)

Show up to Westlands at 8 PM on Tuesday, April 1 in your most low-effort comfy outfit – just make sure to not wear green, because you can’t be too school spirited – where you will see that there are pillows, blankets and, yes, $8 red wine from the gas station and Mitski on a low-quality Bluetooth speaker. Grab a mug, curl up on the couch and feel free to cry your eyes out. It’s actually encouraged! 

Whoever can cry the longest and hardest gets first dibs on a time slot at Campus Counseling Services! 

So, let’s all show up, show out and get our Gryph-On this Sunday, at the first Annual Sarah Lawrence Cry-A-Thon! 

See you there, 

Cry-stal Collins Judd

Sarah Lawrence Needs a Rival Institution

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

I am so incredibly jealous of the rivalry between students at Ohio State and the University of Michigan. The huge football games, the crowds of students decked out in collegiate merchandise, and the entire show of a college rivalry. In my humble opinion, Sarah Lawrence College needs a rival. 

Apparently, we already have a few rivals. I say “apparently” because none of them are ‘real’ rivals. One of our so-called ‘college rivals’ is Vassar College, which is a joke. Every single student that I know was waitlisted from Vassar. I’ve also heard people say that our rival is NYU. I do not believe that in the slightest. I don’t think NYU even knows that we are their rival, which makes it kind of embarrassing. We need a rival who is going to actually know that we exist. 

As many of you might know, Sarah Lawrence is incredibly close to Iona University, one of the top-ranked Catholic universities in the United States of America. While we are very close to each other distance-wise, the ‘stereotypical’ students at our respective colleges could not be more different. Most students at Iona are highly composed – and usually heterosexual – business majors. Most students at Sarah Lawrence look like they barked at people in high school. 

Sarah Lawrence doesn’t have a football team so we couldn’t have a football game, but imagine how awesome it would be if we had the swim teams play against each other. No, they’re not swimming. They’re playing football. It would be totally awesome. 

This is a request to Iona University: Gryph Us a Chance!

The Trouble at Sarah Lawrence: Part 2

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

“Recently, the development office received a letter from an alumna in San Francisco who was distressed by the rumor that the campus is now 50 percent homosexual”, states Anne Rophie in her article for The New York Times. 

Realistically, it is probably closer to 90 percent. 

Most people on campus have read the article that Rophie dedicates to talking about one so-called ‘problem’: most of the Sarah Lawrence student body is queer. Honestly, that is a pretty accurate read. But is it a problem? No. But in the year 2025, there is an actual problem. A new trouble plaguing Sarah Lawrence . (No, it’s not another cult.) 

Where are all of the emos at Sarah Lawrence College? 

There is a concerningly low percentage of emo students at Sarah Lawrence College. We, as an institution, likely fall somewhere between 3-5% emo, which is strikingly low for a liberal arts institution such as ourselves. This is a travesty, through and through. 

This is the modern day ‘trouble’ at Sarah Lawrence. 

Where are the studded belts and knee-high converse? Where are the skinny jeans? Where are the people saying ‘XD’? They are nowhere to be found, sadly… There is not enough My Chemical Romance being blasted; everybody has a poetry Substack that they promote on Instagram, when they should have a MySpace. When I walk around campus, I am met with a depressing truth: there are not enough emos at Sarah Lawrence. 

We used to be a real liberal arts college, with an expansive and thriving emo population. At one point, there were emos running happily and free across South Lawn, enjoying cans of Monster Energy and utilizing the SLCWLAN network for important things: scrolling Tumblr and playing Homestuck. 

But how do we get them back? Easy. Sarah Lawrence College, get your skinny jeans and band t-shirts, because we’re working towards an emo revival in 2025. You’ve probably heard of the indie sleaze revival, but that’s for NORMIEZ! 

Read this excerpt from My Immortal out loud: 

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got myname) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Now read it again. You are My Chemical Romance. You are Gerard Way. You are My Immortal. So, now that you’re emo, how do we get a widespread emo revival? 

• Get angsty! Feel your emotions, like a true emo! Sing a song about it! 

• Put on more eyeliner! Smudge it everywhere! 

• Know what the ‘G Note’ is! 

This lack of emos is truly disheartening, but don’t worry, Gryphons. We can change it, one sidebang and studded belt at a time.

Tips and Tricks For How To Pull a Girl at SLC

Sela Corliss ‘26

One of the main complaints I hear from my fellow Gryphons is that it is undeniably, excruciatingly difficult to date at Sarah Lawrence. Listen, I get it. And I’m here to help. A lot more goes into successfully finding a partner at Sarah Lawrence than it would at a bigger – or even small, but normal – school. I have put together a foolproof procedure to guide you all on how to conquer your fears and convince some of the scariest people on the planet (cool girls at Sarah Lawrence) to go out with you. 

Phase 1: Courting 

Your Compliments Aren’t Worth Shit

She knows her bangs are sick. But she didn’t get them for you, okay? Get that into your fucking head. And don’t you dare bring up her nose ring. It has nothing to do with you. Instead, comment on “how cerebral she is.” Or how her homemade skirt made from old love letters from her ex boyfriend really brings out her rising sign, especially during this phase of the moon, and obviously with everything going on with retrograde now.*

*Note: If you choose to use this line you will most likely be faced with one of two responses. Either she’ll meet you with a knowing nod about Mercury’s current position, or she will be extremely visibly annoyed and put off. If it’s the latter, do not panic. This can be a perfect segue into another of any Sarah Lawrence student’s (female or male) favorite pastimes: shit-talking. Simply say you were joking: you know she’s not into that bullshit. It’s actually so crazy how many girls here are, right? It’s so cool that she’s not like the others. 

Up Your Reference Game 

Oh you like The Velvet Underground? Fuck you. You’re a big fan of Bladee? Pathetic. 

Your best bet is to make up a band and hire a computer science major to create a fake Spotify profile with no more than  2,000 monthly listeners. In terms of the band name, the campus is truly your oyster. Now’s your chance to finally use those skills from your fiction workshop (who knew they would actually help you in the real world?) Feel free to merge two course titles, and you have the long, pretentious name of your favorite indie band that hasn't blown up yet. She’s never heard of Kafka Through Dance in the Time of Mao? You’ll have to show her sometime. Another option is finding the person in your class with the most interesting piercings and just using their Instagram username. This also works for telling her “your favorite French (or if you’re really serious, Russian/Japanese) arthouse film.” Another method for movie names is to just pick two contrasting words (think Paris, Texas, Fallen Angels, Black Swan, School of Rock.) Don’t worry, she’ll never be able to find it because it’s “only available on Mubi.” 

A Peace Offering Never Hurts

Oops! You just happened to drop your cigarettes at her feet! Looks like you’ll need to smoke one together. Consider any kind of drug, old annotated book, clothing that coincidentally doesn’t fit you but fits her perfectly, or any sort of loud (and I mean by look and sound) jewelry – a good choice for a conversation starter. It will also make her think of you every time she moves slightly and her bangles make the loudest noise known to man. 

Phase 2: On the date

D = Disillusion, Not Date

Do not, under any circumstances, call it a date. The main goal is to confuse her. Keep her guessing. Did you plan this, or did you two just happen to be in the same place at the same time? She’ll never know. Think about it like the first rule of Fight Club, but if you were paying attention, you would know that this is much too mainstream of a reference to make. 

Restructuring the Power Dynamic

Right now she has the upper hand. We need to change that. In order to get her even remotely interested she needs to be thrown off of her game. Make sure that you two are not facing each other, but rather sitting side by side. This way, she has to work for your attention. Instead of actually showing interest in the things she has to say, just look straight ahead and kind of zone out. After she finishes a sentence, do not answer right away. Keep staring at the horizon, and after a few seconds of silence, squint a little bit and then turn towards her. Say, “Huh?” (then wait a beat…) “Oh. Yeah.”* Just like that, you’re golden. 

*If you want, you may follow this up by asking a question about her interests/passions that is clearly just an excuse for you to talk about yours at length; this move is very powerful, so use at your discretion. 

Phase 3: Progression

I’m sorry, did you forget that you go to Sarah Lawrence? You’ll never actually be able to successfully pull her – she’s not an object! She’s also seeing someone in the city, obviously. He’s a DJ who used to go to Parsons as a photography major, but dropped out when he was offered to do a set at the Miu Miu New York Fashion Week afterparty. You’ll never be as hot or as androgynous as him. Also, you suck. Nice try, though! Maybe try Hinge?

Sarah Lawrence College Announces Second Ever Football Team

Sela Corliss ‘26

In a surprise announcement at this year’s athletic banquet, Sarah Lawrence College has announced that it will be starting a football team for the first time since a short-lived run a number of years ago. This announcement has come alongside some other surprising choices made by the newest addition to the athletic community: the first of which being that the team has decided to “own their own means of production” by immediately staging a coup d'etat and coaching themselves.

The new Gryphons are making adjustments to the “outdated ways that this sport has been played for decades,” says one member of the team. In order to make the new student-athletes feel more comfortable, the Gryphons have opted to refer to plays as “rehearsed ensemble numbers.” The new, self-proclaimed jocks have also made a few more statements about their chosen vernacular: 

-The football will be dubbed "the old pigskin,” but as a specific derogatory reference to the police. 

-A “sack” will instead be called an ovary.

-A “hail mary” is not non-denominational enough. They will be “taking a secular stand” from now on. 

-The endzones will be “downstage,” and the sidelines will be “stage right” and “stage left,” respectively. 

-No more two-point conversions: “We don’t do math at Sarah Lawrence.”

The team is also abstaining from wearing uniforms; instead, the players are planning to wear any green clothing of their choosing, so as to allow them their full deserved creative expression. Some faculty members and NCAA officials were concerned about this choice, given the dangerous physical nature of the sport. When asked about the decision to refrain from padding or other types of protection, one Gryphon answered,“My art is my armor.”  

Due to a lack of space and funding, the Gryphons have had to hold practices at Bronxville Middle School. Local middle- and high-schoolers have reportedly packed the bleachers at these sessions, cheering seemingly sarcastically. Cristle was also seen attending these practices, allegedly “feigning interest, though looking nervous.” 

It has also been reported that the Gryphons requested that the game be kept “no contact” due to their cautiousness surrounding COVID-19 protocols. The NCAA has since refused. 

One representative told our reporter, “I mean, no one asked them to make a team.” 

The new team has, in addition, decided to only have the minimum number of players and decline to utilize substitutions. According to the Gryphons, this is so that every player feels equally valued and appreciated. This plan has unfortunately gone awry, as after the team’s first game this past Saturday against the United States Merchant Marine Academy, every single player on the Sarah Lawrence roster is seriously injured and cannot continue with the sport. 

The team has now found themselves at an impasse, seeing as they have no players and a full season ahead. They are finding it difficult to recruit more willing participants.  The team has taken to unique marketing strategies to entice students to play. They are offering a lead role in the next Naked Shakespeare production for any student that joins the team, as well as free meal swipes, rides to-and-from the post office, free Bronxville Picture House tickets, and more. If you have any questions in regards to these offers or interest in joining the team, the Sarah Lawrence football team will be in the Barbara Walters Campus Center this afternoon handing out free donuts.

Sarah Lawrence President Receives Backlash for Failed Wordplay

Sela Corliss ‘26

At a press conference on Oct. 27th—coincidentally held on Sylvia Plath’s birthday—Cristle Collins Judd’s speech ended with her noting that she is “aware that many of our students identify with the LGBTQ+ community, but as far as I’m concerned, you all fit under ‘G’: Gryphons.” 

Much of the student body took offense to the president’s comment, some labeling her statement “anti-Sarah Lawrence,” and others calling it “classic Sarah Lawrence.” Speculations surrounding the speech have circulated on the Instagram account SLC Anonymous. Some posts claim Judd was in fact pranked and was not aware that her speech would be concluding with that line. Others say that she had taken polls with the faculty and together they had come to a consensus that the suggestion of “G for Gryphon” would not be received poorly. So far, no Sarah Lawrence professors or faculty have agreed to comment on the incident. 

By the next morning, seemingly almost every possible surface on the Sarah Lawrence campus featured a play on the letter G, antagonizing Judd. The frequently painted board outside of Bates dining hall reads, “G = GET CRISTLE  OUT OF HERE,” and the large piece of wood in front of Hill House says, “G means Give me back my tuition, thief.” Another reads “(G)ive me a (G)oddamn break.” Students posted flyers calling for the immediate impeachment of Judd on trees and cell towers, and passed them out in common areas. 

Judd’s response to the fallout has been out of the ordinary. The president has embraced a sort of defeatist attitude and has completely given up on any attempt to rectify the situation. In an Instagram story posted late last night, Judd simply posted, “Y'all knew what I meant,” in green letters on a black background. Students were quick to point out that Judd’s post was not actually an entirely opaque black screen, and instead appeared to be a selfie that the president took in the dark. 

An Instagram account with the username @gr33ng0ddess has been very active in the comments of the SLC Anonymous posts, so much so that students have been led to believe that the profile is Judd’s burner account. The evidence cited by students trying to prove the identity of “Green Goddess” includes the lack of a profile picture or posts, the fact that every comment from the account is defending Judd and mainly that every comment ends with #thatssosarahlawrence. 

This morning, Judd made her first public appearance since the incident; she was seen smoking a cigarette on the bench in front of the Barbara Walters Campus Center. The Sarah Lawrence president was sporting sweatpants, Uggs, a messy bun, wired headphones and her signature green trench coat. She was reportedly muttering to herself “After everything I’ve done for them and this is how they treat me. Whatever happened to feminism?” 

A source close to Judd confirmed that she is “taking time to learn and reflect, and also considering getting a nose ring.” As of right now it is unclear if it is a septum or nostril piercing, but this is a developing story. The source also shared that in an act of defiance, Judd proposed adding a class entitled “Wordplay 101.”

As part of the intense backlash, students are allegedly urging their parents to “knock a zero or two off” of their usual donations. This caused concerns about what such a drastic drop in funding could mean for the school, though at a board meeting on Monday it was decided almost immediately to just cut the professors’ pay.

From the Desk of Crystal Kollins-Jud

By Cleo Harris-Cummins ‘27

Dear Members of the Sarah Lawrence community,

I sincerely hope your fall semester is going well. I know that conference week is coming up and none of you have started your papers. I am offering encouragement! You are all invited to the president's house for some apple cider and s’mores. I don't live there, but I hear it's nice. I live somewhere much more decadent where Dr. Martens® will never get a chance to tread. 

Announcements

• We have consulted with the student athletes and they have voted to change the mascot. “Gryphon”, we unanimously decided, was too whimsical. We are now……. The Sarah Lawrence Bulls! We think that this sends off a more normative message, making us tougher in our sports department which, as we all know, is the pride and joy of this school. 

• We have heard your complaints about the school’s lack of diversity. To rectify this and invite new perspectives, we have decided to hire, at the very minimum, 4 conservative professors. We are conducting a job search from a pool of candidates who listen to Joe Rogan and were present at the January 6th insurrection. I want you to know I hear your worries that this school is too “liberal.” We are trying to expand our horizons, and this is only one of many of the ways we will be doing so. 

• Speaking of professors, we have decided to start paying their salary in Meal Money and cigarettes. We believe that our professors should be teaching because they love to teach, not because they want to make money. This does, however, mean that we will only be hiring guest professors from now on. Tenure is overrated.

• We are opening a new gym! The basketball team and the soccer team need their own spaces without NARPS getting in their way. We have begun drawing up plans for a new indoor soccer complex and weight room. Unfortunately, this does mean  that the PAC will be shutting down; we need space for this new gym. 

• Get excited! A new safe space is opening in Bates for all the straight couples on campus. I want to acknowledge the marginalization that straight people feel in this environment. The SSS (straight safe space) will be hosting weekly screenings of “Grey's Anatomy.” We are so grateful to be partnering with Lululemon, the official SSS sponsor. They will be handing out free Scuba Hoodies at 10 a.m. on Tuesday to those with swipe access to the SSS. 

• I am sad to announce that we will all need to say our last goodbyes to Barbara Walters’ Emmys. The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences found out about Sleazeball and they do not want her reputation being associated with that kind of tomfoolery. I am pleased to announce that the BWCC will now be officially named The Barb, in honor of Nicki Minaj. Her Grammys will be taking the place of the Emmys in the glass display. 

• Finally, we are so honored to invite Amy Schumer to be our new financial advisor, spokesperson, and investor. I hope you can all welcome her with open arms.  

A couple reminders

1. Please remember to keep your feet off the seats of the MetroNorth. I have been receiving complaints from commuters that too many Sarah Lawrence students rest their sambas on the seats, denting the cushion and dirtying the seat with the cigarette ash that I'm sure is on your soles. Also, remember that when you dye your hair, it can rub off on the headrest, so don't lean back. 

2. Please also remember to fill out the monthly subscription form and pay your dues. At Sarah Lawrence, we want to reject modernity and embrace tradition. The subscription cost includes a pack of cigarettes per week (except if you smoke camel crush, then you have to buy them yourself, I wont have your bad taste tarnishing our reputation) and 10 locally grown pre-rolls from a local woman-owned dispensary. This initiative is meant to discourage students from vaping and hitting dab pens because, truthfully, that shit is embarrassing. 

3. Final reminder: Do NOT smile at your peers. I don't care if you have two classes with them. Don't be a sissy. 

Shout Outs and Acknowledgements

Shout out to all the polyamorous people on campus! 

Shout out to all the girls with cat headphones!

Shout out to my POC (people on campus, we out here)!

Shout out to myself; self love is important! Every day that I wake up and pick out my kelly green outfit is a day that I am winning!

Shout out to The Penix! I love student-run journalism, and I know that at Sarah Lawrence we have only the best. 

Yours, 

Crystal Kollins-Jud

President, Sarah Lawrence College

Instagram: slcprezzz42069

Sarah Lawrence College Changes Admission Criteria

Sofia Sklar ‘27

A recent interview with Sarah Lawrence College’s President, Cristle Collins Judd, has revealed that the college’s admissions process will be undergoing some exciting new changes. The administration stressed the fact that this change will not be immediate, and will not affect any students who are currently enrolled within the College. The school aims to implement it in the next few years. While Sarah Lawrence College has prided itself on having been entirely test-optional since 2003 – meaning that prospective applicants do not have to submit SAT or ACT scores in order to be considered for admission – the new admissions structure is altering this policy, and other colleges may be soon to follow. 

Starting August 1st, 2026, (the first cycle of students it will affect is the class of 2030, who are currently juniors in high school) Sarah Lawrence College will no longer be classified as a test-optional institution. Rather, prospective students will be required to take a Buzzfeed “Am I Gay” quiz, and disclose their results to the College. The quiz is scored from 0 to 10, with a higher score indicating higher levels of homosexuality. 

The contents of this quiz have not yet been disclosed, however. When questioned, Judd refused to clarify, beyond saying that it contained, “pop divas, musical theatre, Lady Gaga, all the stuff they like.” It is unclear who “they” are. While it has been repeatedly emphasized that an applicant’s score on this exam will not entirely decide their chances of getting into Sarah Lawrence, a score of 8 or higher has been recommended to prospective students. 

On campus, students have had varied reactions to the news. Again, although current students are not affected by the change, it raises some questions on how the culture of the College may potentially shift in the coming years. 

A concerned second-year student who has elected to remain anonymous stated, “After hearing the news, I took the test out of curiosity, but I only scored a 2. Does this mean that I don’t belong at Sarah Lawrence?” If the current admissions criteria is to be referenced, the answer to this student’s question is probably yes. 

However,  for many Sarah Lawrence students, the news has been received positively. Many students questioned what this would actually change on campus. The answer is unclear. A third-year student, who has also elected to remain anonymous, responded enthusiastically to the information, saying, “I hate a fake gay bitch.” Apparently, as does Sarah Lawrence College. 

It is unclear what this change in the admissions process will mean for the College, going forward. The Phoenix will continue reporting on the story as it develops.

Nora’s Crystal Ball: Gaze Into Halloweekend

Nora Searles ‘27

Werewolves are howling in the distance. Vampires are waking from their slumber of the day. Halloweekend at Sarah Lawrence College approaches like the monster under your grimy twin bed. What was that? I think I heard the screams of students trying to throw together last-minute costumes that will probably be too obscure to identify with a plain eye. I offer you ghouls a glimpse into the future – a prediction, of sorts, with my crystal ball. The crystal ball knows all, and it thinks that this Halloweekend at SLC will be as messy as your communal kitchen. 

Gaze into my crystal ball. What do you see? I’m seeing a battle of who will have the most niche costume. Strangers approach each other by chance in the dark to point out each other’s costumes. They thought they were the only ones who knew that an angel wasn’t just an angel but Claire Danes as Juliet in Baz Luhrmann’s 1996 adaptation of “Romeo and Juliet.” That's not just any Waffle House employee, that’s Lana Del Rey’s impromptu visit to the diner in July of 2023. I know that name tag anywhere. I’m seeing Wes Anderson, Saltburn and probably hoards of Jennifer Checks. 

I’m getting something else. Something seems hazy. My ball has cast a shadow of uncertainty. I see two weekends (both alike in dignity)! But which one will the people choose? Will it be parent’s weekend? The weekend after? I’m seeing hungover students attend family breakfasts on Sunday morning. Will SLC students have what it takes to band together to make the most out of both weekends? I predict (and hope) that the answer is yes. 

If my crystal ball proves wrong, I’ll have lost all faith in its magical powers. My crystal ball tells me that as the new moon darkens the night sky on Nov. 1st, the students of SLC will be prowling the campus, looking for their next victims. The victims in question are anyone with a lighter they can borrow. 

My crystal ball sees horror in the Halloweekend future! Rocky Horror! Fishnets, singing, dancing, oh my! This Halloweekend seems special. Maybe there will be a virgin sacrifice after the show! Only the crystal ball can tell. Either way, the future of Saturday night remains unclear. Will there be afterparties? What will happen on the fateful night of Friday and Saturday? The crystal ball is only showing utter madness at this point. 

Maybe Halloweekend will end up like any party here at SLC. Maybe the crowds of biblically accurate angels will fly home to Hill House and forget about the events of Halloween 2024. However, there appears to be a faint calling coming from my crystal ball. We can make it a weekend to remember. Hell, if we really want to be evil, maybe we can make it two. The crystal ball sees that it’s up to the students to decide how weird, how obscure, they really want to go. SLC’s slogan used to be, “You are different. So are we,” and as Nancy from “The Craft” says, “We are the weirdos, mister.” SLC students are the weirdos. Halloween is our time to shine, people. 

The crystal ball darkens and fades as the predictions for the October holiday come to a conclusion. I will not be taking responsibility for any false predictions, as my crystal ball came from eBay.

The Situation Is That I Don’t Want You: How to Avoid People

Sofia Sklar ‘27 

Godric the Gryphon, Photo by @sarahlawrencecollge on Instagram

“It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss” - Mr. Brightside 

So, you had a little too much fun at a party one night. You’re probably starting to realize just how hard it is to avoid someone on a college campus that’s roughly the size of a city block, if even that. With only two dining halls and a student population of just over 1,500, it may seem like an impossible task to avoid people on campus, but not to worry. Here at The Phoenix, we’ve crunched the numbers, and here are the three best ways to avoid that person on campus. 

1. Never Leave Your Dorm

Bed rotting is one of the simple joys in life, so why not use it to your benefit? There’s no plausible way to see them if you’re using this avoidance method. How could you run into someone if you never leave your dorm? It’s foolproof unless they’re within eyeshot every time you look outside your window (which – depending on how frequently that’s happening – might be indicative of a more serious problem), or unless your roommates are letting them in, you’ll never see them. Or, if you’re one of the lucky few whose situationship is their roommate. We’ve all been there. Granted, it might start to get stuffy and boring after a while, but hey, you’ll never see that person again, so technically, you won. 

1. Transfer 

Why keep yourself confined to just Sarah Lawrence? Yes, it’s hard to transfer your credits out of this college, but it’s a minor price to pay in order to never have to see them again, so it’s worth it. Find another school to attend, and hopefully, you won’t do the same thing there. You’ll never see them again, and you’ll be able to avoid them infinitely. This is guaranteed, unless you live in the same city, or they transfer to the same school, and in which case, good luck. 

1. Become Godric the Gryphon

A mascot costume is the best way to hide your face, body, and everything else. It’s easy,  simple, and you don’t have to worry about looking good for a revenge era. Simply email the athletics department and ask if you can wear the Godric costume around. Not only will they think that you’re incredibly school spirited, you’ll be able to sleuth around campus undetected. You are no longer you. You’re Godric the Gryphon. You’re a campus celebrity, but nobody knows who you are under the mask, like Batman. People might start to think that you’re a furry, but who cares? It’s Sarah Lawrence. .

Long story short, it’s hard to avoid people on this campus, unless you’re trying to be Godric the Gryphon. But hopefully, this advice can be of use to somebody who really needs it. Happy avoiding, Gryphons!

The Dream of the 90s is Alive at Sarah Lawrence

Nora Searles

Visual by Josie Garkisch

In 2011, Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen claimed that Portland was a magical place where people could go to stay in their 90s alternative heaven. Now, in 2024, I have decided to pass the candle over to a new place where that same dream can thrive: Sarah Lawrence College. Goodbye Oregon, hello Yonkers! 

Have you noticed a sudden influx of lululemon-wearing sorority girls, or too many promotions about the negative side effects of smoking around every corner? Look no further than Sarah Lawrence: Gregg Araki’s nonconformist dreamscape of aliens and raves materializes in this one-mile radius. 

Remember the opening scene of “Wayne’s World”, where they’re driving in the Mirthmobile, listening to “Bohemian Rhapsody” on the way to a burger joint? That’s what Friday nights look like here at SLC, except the car is a Subaru Forester, students are listening to The Dare, and they’re probably on the hunt for Impossible Meat™. If Portland is becoming a bit too mainstream, don’t fret! Just across the U.S. lies a blended world of final girls and sleaze-queens, where people either dress like the Dude from “The Big Lebowski” or Morticia Addams. 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where students’ to-do lists are as follows:

12 p.m.: Wake and bake

1 p.m.: Eat vegan tofu scramble from Bates

3 p.m.: Sell used clothes in front of Barb, and inflate prices for freshman

5 p.m.: Hang out 

5:30 p.m.: Smoke another joint

10 p.m.: Fuck around 

3 a.m.: Pass out 

Repeat 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where everyone crowds in a single dorm to watch someone get a tramp stamp by a butch lesbian with a brand-new tattoo gun and plans to make it big. “Far out,” the people chant, because here at SLC, we support local artists, no matter the fact that the person will probably have the tattoo re-lined and filled in by a professional a few days later. 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where we only take three classes, and a 9:30 a.m. class is considered early. What are these classes, you might ask? Anything in your wildest, weirdest dreams. Anything goes at Sarah Lawrence. In an economics class? Try doing an interpretive dance personifying capitalism for your conference project! 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where everyone has a hobby. Hobbies include, but are not limited to: clowning, selective grass breeding, playing guitar poorly, nunchuck skills, experimental drugs, open relationships, sword-fighting, sauerkraut, vegan alternatives and collecting strains of oatmilk. 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where everyone is in at least one band. Listen to their stuff on Spotify. Sound familiar? You’re probably thinking of Fiona Apple, Pavement or Mazzy Star. 

Men are either gay or ride skateboards. Sorry, was that mean? It doesn’t matter because here at Sarah Lawrence, you can safely live out your riot-grrrl dreams of being a man-hating feminist. One of them wrote this article!  

Inspired by the beloved late 90s movie, “Practical Magic”, freshman witches live out their whimsigothic dreams by congregating on the North Lawn to sacrifice the men sneaking into the Taylor B floor kitchenette bathroom to shit. 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, like the girl in “Empire Records” who shaves her head in the bathroom of the record store she works at. Here at Sarah Lawrence, you can make that a performance art piece! 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence, where the only relationship options available are either a situationship or a polycule. The other, less mentioned relationship would be a cis-het  couple, colloquially known as glorified hell. Relax and enjoy watching “The L Word” in the same room as your current lover, your ex lover and the five other people in the room you have definitely made out with at a Slonim party. 

Some of the perks of living in the 90s bubble called SLC are as follows: your active culture sourdough starter along with your mint, basil, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme will thrive, as long as you feed them all your bong water.   

Think of this place like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” but every day. Neighbors knock on your door for an American Spirit in trade of freshly-baked brownies. They’re plant-based, of course — in more ways than one. 

Everyone has a label, but if your label is too short, it’s meaningless. You can’t just be gay, you must be gay with a passion for good coffee. Overhear the only man in your Buddhism class talking about the local coffee house: “They don’t even grind their own beans,” he says as everyone cheers because thank god, this man knows what he’s talking about. They don’t grind their own beans? That is a crime of the 90s, and it is absolute blasphemy. 

The dream of the 90s is alive at Sarah Lawrence College. If you don’t believe me, ask around in your film class! Half of the people in it are probably from Portland.

FSH HST 101: The Anatomy of Sarah Lawrence Garments

Sofia Sklar ‘27

Visual by Quinn Mcgonigle

For all of the first-years coming into Sarah Lawrence College from across the globe, it may be daunting to sense whether you will ‘fit in’. But fear not! After several hours of painstaking observation (dinner at the one and only Bates Dining Hall), I’m here to instill upon you what I’ve learned about Sarah Lawrence fashion in five simple components. 

Step 1: Hair and Makeup

The heavier and more Euphoria-esque your makeup looks, the better! Granted, I’ve never actually seen Euphoria, but I imagine that the cast looks somewhat like Sarah Lawrence students. Utilize bold colors and interesting shapes, and don’t be afraid to do something different with your eyeliner! Also, don’t forget to have fun with your hair! The sky is truly the limit, and bigger is better! Dye your hair every color of the rainbow all at once. Feel free to get crazy with it. Or don’t. I don’t really care that much. It’s up to you. 

Step 2: Tops

The number one rule of Sarah Lawrence College is that everyone must have at least one tight-fitting white tank top. Even better if it’s the one that has the apple on it and says ‘Fiona’. Who’s Fiona Apple? You’ll find out! Wait, maybe you don’t want to wear only a tank top. Luckily, you can always layer with the cardigan that your friend in the visual arts program crocheted you for your birthday! 

Step 3: Bottoms:

Now that we have the top half of the outfit planned, we should probably plan the other half. Jeans are always a fashion staple, and at Sarah Lawrence this is no exception. How big are the jeans that you ‘thrifted in NYC’ from a boutique? Make them bigger. Then make those bigger. Now we’re talking! They should be close to falling off, low enough to show off your bedazzled Y2K whale tail. But wait: what are you going to wear to walk to class? 

Step 4: Shoes

Yes, we’ve all heard the rumor that you can go to class barefoot, but why would you? Besides, you know how the saying goes: ‘the taller the shoes, the closer to God’. You should listen to that and wear a pair of less-than-sensible platforms! Perhaps even a pair of cowgirl boots that have only seen the inside of a Bushwick warehouse. Of course, you could wear a pair of black combat boots, but so is everyone else in your massive 20 person seminar. 

Step 5: Accessories 

Have you ever seen a Subaru advertisement? Yeah. There you go. Study up. Try getting a carabiner and put your dorm key on it, and maybe a Sanrio charm. Maybe try out a pride pin or two, unless it clashes with your indie-grunge-shoegaze-core outfit. What about a cool beanie? 

In just five simple steps, you can look more like a typical Sarah Lawrence College student! Gryphon Pride! When people ask what your major is, remember to say that we only have concentrations —but above all, remember that there is no right or wrong way to dress like a Sarah Lawrence student! Except there is. Dress like this or you’re doing it wrong.