Total Cabinet Reshuffle: Trump’s Team Having an Emergency PR Crisis

Colette Paterson ‘28

Graphic by Colette Paterson ‘28

This afternoon it was abruptly announced that the Trump administration was completely disbanding its current cabinet. In what some are calling a “cabinet overhaul” or “clean sweep,” we see who has taken the sought after positions and how qualified they are for the roles. 

The Secretary of State was announced first. Marco Rubio stormed out in a rage after his new replacement came in berating him with a megaphone while wearing a red tracksuit. His replacement is none other than Sue Sylvester, of Glee fame. It is reported that she told him, “Just because you don’t like show tunes doesn’t make you less gay or awful.” 

Secretary of Labor head, Lori Chavez-DeRemer, left in solidarity after she saw another blonde with a pixie cut approaching the building. Ellen DeGeneres has left the television world behind and has now mentioned her plans of rolling back laws on child labor as the new Secretary of Labor. “When I had Sophia Grace and Rosie on my show they raked in millions. I plan on doing the same for this country!” It should be noted DeGeneres refused to comment on the canceling of The Ellen Show and Dakota Johnson’s responsibility in the fallout. 

The new Secretary of Energy was announced next after Chris Wright slammed his fists in anger at his dismissal. Charli XCX walked in not saying much about her new position. “I plan on having America really feel the rush. We will be bumping that for a while, I think.” Ms. XCX refused to comment on whether she meant the feeling of a rush, or the recreational drug popular in LGBTQ+ communities that is also the title of a hit Troye Sivan song.

The Secretary of Commerce change was announced around noon as Kris Jenner took the stage. Howard Lutnick started packing his bags at the time of her speech. She owned the moment and told the crowd, “I am so looking forward to helping the economic growth in this country. I have a few tricks up my sleeve to get this country back on track!” A reporter asked Jenner to comment on whether she had plans of using a sex tape for further advancement in American careers now that she is in a government position given the rumors about her daughter’s fame. “No comment.” Jenner said with a wink behind her square frame sunglasses. 

She then handed the microphone to none other than Martha Stewart, the new Secretary of Treasury replacing Scott Bessent. Yells erupted, as the cooking mogul is known for her insider trading scandal. Stewart kept it short and simple and stated, “I am here to fix the mess this country is in. You may not like me, but I am doing my job like it or not.” 

The Secretary of Interior was the next job to be replaced as Doug Burgum was effectively removed. It was announced that Wendy Williams will be taking his place. Williams did not give a speech as she was caught up outside signing autographs and asking for “the hot gossip” during the time of this announcement. 

The Secretary of Veteran Affairs was the next position announced nearing 2 p.m. EST. Out came Channing Tatum in his army costume from Magic Mike. Doug Collins threw him a twenty dollar bill, even though it was his job being taken. Tatum stood tall after walking and dancing on stage to “Pony” by Ginuwine. Cardi B came in connected to a harness from the ceiling to announce her new role as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. The famous rapper stated, “I mean, I was doing those MTA ads for a while and sure, they were fun, but I wanted to go to the next level! Here I am and here I will stay!” Scott Turner slammed the door behind him as he left his former position in lieu of the news. Secretary of Transportation, Sean Duffy, had someone in mind for his replacement, but the nation was shocked when Taylor Swift was announced to take the role. Swift made no comments, but Donald Trump did tweet, “I mean look at those private jet numbers. That’s someone who knows transportation.” It should also be noted that “Look What You Made Me Do” re-entered the Billboard charts. 

“Woaaahhhh mama,” cried out a voice from the back of the room. Reporters say mass hysteria fell across the audience as the Secretary of Health and Human Services new position was announced. Austin Butler (dressed as Elvis and in his voice) challenged Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to a dance battle and won, taking the sought after job. The stipulation for the role was that Butler must be wearing Presley’s recreated outfits and has to keep the accent. 

Linda McMahon, former Secretary of Education, had to be carried out as she yelled expletives when she learned of her replacement, Lea Michele. The actress/singer has been the topic of conversation online regarding her literacy and ability to read. The Phoenix wrote to Ms. Michele about the state of her literacy and new job, but did not receive an answer. 

Brooke Rollins, the former Secretary of Agriculture reportedly is already back on her farm after losing her place in the cabinet to Rob Rausch from Love Island. The snake wrangler captured the hearts of America and apparently the president as well. Rausch left no comment, but we pulled a tweet from the president during season 6 of Love Island which Rausch starred on. “I just love that farmer Rob. Dreamy eyes and can really handle business. We need him back in the USA so he can help MAGA!” Donald Trump did also allegedly commit voter fraud by trying to submit votes for Rob in the show’s finale that Rausch was not a part of. 

Kristi Noem, the former Secretary of Homeland Security, booked an emergency appointment at the nearest MediSpa at the news of her release. She was seen running away in fear from her replacement, JWoww from Jersey Shore. The reality tv star did comment saying, “Yeah it’s been Jenni for awhile, but I had to take JWoww out of retirement after seeing what a bad job Kristi did. It’s obvious that the woman has never hit a GTL.” Pam Bondi had a meltdown amidst her dismissal. Her successor, Abby Lee Miller, was heard screaming “SAVE YOUR TEARS FOR THE PILLOW!” in response to the emotional moment. The last position to be announced was the Secretary of Defense. 

Pete Hegseth left the room as his replacement, Azealia Banks, made her way to the stage. Due to the nature of what Miss Banks stated, The Phoenix cannot print the vulgar and explicit statements. Banks is known to have long-standing issues with people like Lana Del Rey, Perez Hilton, Nicki Minaj, Elon Musk and the entire nations of Ireland and Sweden.

The new cabinet team announcements were shocking, but promising. With names like these who knows where America will end up, but I bet it will be great and better than before.