The Ashtray

“Recently, the development office received a letter from an alumna in San Francisco who was distressed by the rumor that the campus is now 50 percent homosexual”, states Anne Rophie in her article for The New York Times. 

Realistically, it is probably closer to 90 percent. 

Most people on campus have read the article that Rophie dedicates to talking about one so-called ‘problem’: most of the Sarah Lawrence student body is queer. Honestly, that is a pretty accurate read. But is it a problem? No. But in the year 2025, there is an actual problem. A new trouble plaguing Sarah Lawrence . (No, it’s not another cult.) 

Where are all of the emos at Sarah Lawrence College? 

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One of the main complaints I hear from my fellow Gryphons is that it is undeniably, excruciatingly difficult to date at Sarah Lawrence. Listen, I get it. And I’m here to help. A lot more goes into successfully finding a partner at Sarah Lawrence than it would at a bigger – or even small, but normal – school. I have put together a foolproof procedure to guide you all on how to conquer your fears and convince some of the scariest people on the planet (cool girls at Sarah Lawrence) to go out with you.

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In a surprise announcement at this year’s athletic banquet, Sarah Lawrence College has announced that it will be starting a football team for the first time since a short-lived run a number of years ago. This announcement has come alongside some other surprising choices made by the newest addition to the athletic community: the first of which being that the team has decided to “own their own means of production” by immediately staging a coup d'etat and coaching themselves.

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At a press conference on Oct. 27th—coincidentally held on Sylvia Plath’s birthday—Cristle Collins Judd’s speech ended with her noting that she is “aware that many of our students identify with the LGBTQ+ community, but as far as I’m concerned, you all fit under ‘G’: Gryphons.” 

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I sincerely hope your fall semester is going well. I know that conference week is coming up and none of you have started your papers. I am offering encouragement! You are all invited to the president's house for some apple cider and s’mores. I don't live there, but I hear it's nice. I live somewhere much more decadent where Dr. Martens® will never get a chance to tread. 

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The school aims to implement it in the next few years. While Sarah Lawrence College has prided itself on having been entirely test-optional since 2003 – meaning that prospective applicants do not have to submit SAT or ACT scores in order to be considered for admission – the new admissions structure is altering this policy, and other colleges may be soon to follow. 

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I offer you ghouls a glimpse into the future – a prediction, of sorts, with my crystal ball. The crystal ball knows all, and it thinks that this Halloweekend at SLC will be as messy as your communal kitchen.

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You’re probably starting to realize just how hard it is to avoid someone on a college campus that’s roughly the size of a city block, if even that. With only two dining halls and a student population of just over 1,500, it may seem like an impossible task to avoid people on campus, but not to worry. Here at The Phoenix, we’ve crunched the numbers, and here are the three best ways to avoid that person on campus. 

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In 2011, Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen claimed that Portland was a magical place where people could go to stay in their 90s alternative heaven. Now, in 2024, I have decided to pass the candle over to a new place where that same dream can thrive: Sarah Lawrence College. Goodbye Oregon, hello Yonkers! 

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For all of the first-years coming into Sarah Lawrence College from across the globe, it may be daunting to sense whether you will ‘fit in’. But fear not! After several hours of painstaking observation (dinner at the one and only Bates Dining Hall), I’m here to instill upon you what I’ve learned about Sarah Lawrence fashion in five simple components. 

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 I mean really, let’s think about it from their perspective; these men are busy trying to reinvent the Film Noir genre, quote Camus in a casual way, and roll better cigarettes than their friends. They’re under so much stress! Add the pressure of having to reject women while still seeming available to the rest of the queue of prospects; these guys can’t catch a break! 

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Sarah Lawrence has always been a place of sanctuary for the progressive, the avant garde, the out and out weirdos. Lesbian culture has found its home at Sarah Lawrence, dare I say since the college was founded. So what to do about all these straight people?

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