Tips and Tricks For How To Pull a Girl at SLC

Sela Corliss ‘26

One of the main complaints I hear from my fellow Gryphons is that it is undeniably, excruciatingly difficult to date at Sarah Lawrence. Listen, I get it. And I’m here to help. A lot more goes into successfully finding a partner at Sarah Lawrence than it would at a bigger – or even small, but normal – school. I have put together a foolproof procedure to guide you all on how to conquer your fears and convince some of the scariest people on the planet (cool girls at Sarah Lawrence) to go out with you. 

Phase 1: Courting 

Your Compliments Aren’t Worth Shit

She knows her bangs are sick. But she didn’t get them for you, okay? Get that into your fucking head. And don’t you dare bring up her nose ring. It has nothing to do with you. Instead, comment on “how cerebral she is.” Or how her homemade skirt made from old love letters from her ex boyfriend really brings out her rising sign, especially during this phase of the moon, and obviously with everything going on with retrograde now.*

*Note: If you choose to use this line you will most likely be faced with one of two responses. Either she’ll meet you with a knowing nod about Mercury’s current position, or she will be extremely visibly annoyed and put off. If it’s the latter, do not panic. This can be a perfect segue into another of any Sarah Lawrence student’s (female or male) favorite pastimes: shit-talking. Simply say you were joking: you know she’s not into that bullshit. It’s actually so crazy how many girls here are, right? It’s so cool that she’s not like the others. 

Up Your Reference Game 

Oh you like The Velvet Underground? Fuck you. You’re a big fan of Bladee? Pathetic. 

Your best bet is to make up a band and hire a computer science major to create a fake Spotify profile with no more than  2,000 monthly listeners. In terms of the band name, the campus is truly your oyster. Now’s your chance to finally use those skills from your fiction workshop (who knew they would actually help you in the real world?) Feel free to merge two course titles, and you have the long, pretentious name of your favorite indie band that hasn't blown up yet. She’s never heard of Kafka Through Dance in the Time of Mao? You’ll have to show her sometime. Another option is finding the person in your class with the most interesting piercings and just using their Instagram username. This also works for telling her “your favorite French (or if you’re really serious, Russian/Japanese) arthouse film.” Another method for movie names is to just pick two contrasting words (think Paris, Texas, Fallen Angels, Black Swan, School of Rock.) Don’t worry, she’ll never be able to find it because it’s “only available on Mubi.” 

A Peace Offering Never Hurts

Oops! You just happened to drop your cigarettes at her feet! Looks like you’ll need to smoke one together. Consider any kind of drug, old annotated book, clothing that coincidentally doesn’t fit you but fits her perfectly, or any sort of loud (and I mean by look and sound) jewelry – a good choice for a conversation starter. It will also make her think of you every time she moves slightly and her bangles make the loudest noise known to man. 

Phase 2: On the date

D = Disillusion, Not Date

Do not, under any circumstances, call it a date. The main goal is to confuse her. Keep her guessing. Did you plan this, or did you two just happen to be in the same place at the same time? She’ll never know. Think about it like the first rule of Fight Club, but if you were paying attention, you would know that this is much too mainstream of a reference to make. 

Restructuring the Power Dynamic

Right now she has the upper hand. We need to change that. In order to get her even remotely interested she needs to be thrown off of her game. Make sure that you two are not facing each other, but rather sitting side by side. This way, she has to work for your attention. Instead of actually showing interest in the things she has to say, just look straight ahead and kind of zone out. After she finishes a sentence, do not answer right away. Keep staring at the horizon, and after a few seconds of silence, squint a little bit and then turn towards her. Say, “Huh?” (then wait a beat…) “Oh. Yeah.”* Just like that, you’re golden. 

*If you want, you may follow this up by asking a question about her interests/passions that is clearly just an excuse for you to talk about yours at length; this move is very powerful, so use at your discretion. 

Phase 3: Progression

I’m sorry, did you forget that you go to Sarah Lawrence? You’ll never actually be able to successfully pull her – she’s not an object! She’s also seeing someone in the city, obviously. He’s a DJ who used to go to Parsons as a photography major, but dropped out when he was offered to do a set at the Miu Miu New York Fashion Week afterparty. You’ll never be as hot or as androgynous as him. Also, you suck. Nice try, though! Maybe try Hinge?