Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

Sela Corliss ‘26

Happy February, my dear Gryphons! Valentine's Day is approaching, and given everyone on campus’s Adderall prescription, I feel confident in assuming that most of you have not procured suitable or possibly any presents for your significant others. Do not stress, though, because I am here with a comprehensive gift guide that is sure to woo and wow your partner/partners from Sarah Lawrence and the surrounding New York City area. 

For your boyfriend:

1. This first gift idea is a two-for-one. First, get a cute bookmark. It can be crocheted, leather, or something else that fits his vibe. Then (and this is the most important part), grab a DSM-5 and put the bookmark on the page about narcissism. Self reflection is sexy!

2. Listen, we all know that men (especially in NYC) want to seem cooler and deeper than they are or can ever possibly be. So let’s help them keep that front up! Get him a pre-distressed book that he can keep in his pocket, Elordi-style. Make sure the pages are already dogeared and the spine is sufficiently creased, so it really looks like he actually read it. Similarly you can go for a beaten up deck of cards that he “just always keeps on him just in case.”

3. Every guy just wants to be told that they are the funniest person in the room (and let’s be honest, probably thinks so already.) Let him have his dream/alternate reality that he lives in and bring him to an open mic that you have packed with actors. No matter how bad his set is he’ll crush and be on cloud nine for the next few months.*

* Be careful with this one, though, because this could inflate his ego too much and ruin him for you completely. 

For your polycule:

1. Nametags! I feel like it must get confusing in there. Have fun with it, though: try tin embossing or hand-knitting. 

For your girlfriend:

1. It’s important to let your girlfriend know that you listen to her. That you understand her. Grab a carton of figs and say some bullshit about Sylvia Plath and you’ll be golden.

2. Every girl’s dream is a dimly lit, kind of blurry/grainy candid-ish photo of her where she’s looking away enough that you can see her long eyelashes but not so much that it’s just the side profile of her nose. Ideally there’s some sort of candle lighting in the scene and she’s kind of laughing, but in a bashful way. So get that film camera out! If you go to Sarah Lawrence, I know you have one. 

3. If you’re a man, grow a mustache. If you “can’t,” grow up and figure it out. 

Here are a few ideas specifically based on NYC neighborhoods:

1. Fidi/Murray Hill finance boyfriend: Coke? Xanax? A mix of both? I don’t know, I just feel like their current vibe is not cutting it. 

2. Dimes Square partner: What they really want is romance, so go for a handwritten manifesto about the commercialism and unjust capitalist-rooted origins of this “Hallmark holiday.” You’re not going to get them flowers that were no doubt harvested through labor exploitation, and you’re most certainly not going to feed into this ubiquitous consumerism that only profits corporations and their ultimate domination of the economic landscape. 

3. West Village girlfriend: A pack of Pilates gift cards, but she can only unlock one class per chapter of Das Kapital that she gets through on her Kindle. Let’s pop that bubble they’re living in! And also new Bala Bangles. 

For your situationship:

When it comes to being in a vague relationship around Valentine’s Day, there are a few ways to play it. You can either randomly take a trip that weekend and avoid it all together, break things off beforehand, or go all in. If you decide to make it official, you can do so with one of the gift ideas above. If you need a way out, I have some thoughts:

1. If they are rich and from New York City, mention something about the Epstein files because it’s probably a sore subject. 

2. If they are pretentious, get them Letterboxd Patron status, and you’ll never have to see them again because they’ll be so distracted by fucking around with the posters.

3. If she is a girl, bring up that one photo of Kendall Jenner in the red set (she’ll know the one) and the fall-out from that should be enough to get you out. 

4. If he is a boy, get him the Marty Supreme jacket. He will no doubt be so annoying with it that you’ll have to leave him.

5. Tell them you loved the Superbowl Halftime Show and think that Kid Rock is really at the top of his game.

6. Get really into crypto. Ick.