Eros’ 2026 Rebrand

Rachel O’Connor ‘26

This Valentine’s Day, Eros, who has trended in the past for being the God of Love (and his iconic celebrity wedding to Psyche), finds himself bored with his passionate persona. As the Kardashians have already displayed, 2026 is the year of the rebrand. Why shouldn’t Eros hop on the train? 

To appeal to his new Gen Z audience, Eros is no more. Say hello to his new version of selfhood: Situatos. Why Situatos, you ask?  Well, let’s go to Eros, er, Situatos, and get the answer from the horse’s mouth.

“Yeah, they named the ‘situationship’ after me. What can I say? Investing in your personal brand works,” Situatos said when asked for comment. He added that “Situatos” had a much better ring to it than his second choice in branding, “FriendsWithBenefits-os.” 

For our less savvy readers, a situationship is when you’re more than friends and less than lovers. In other words, a soul-crushing limbo that only leads to self-cut micro bangs and a shiny new Pilates studio membership.

Situatos can be spotted on the Sarah Lawrence College (SLC) campus this Valentine’s Day, market testing his new rebranded look: a white wifebeater, Carhartt beanie, and a copy of The Bell Jar sticking out of his seemingly bottomless jorts pockets. Don’t forget the patchy pornstache that only exists to give you the worst case of beard burn you’ve ever had in your life (you know, so you have something to remember him by).

Our on-the-ground reporter attempted to pull Situatos for further comment, but instead found herself trapped in conversation with one of the dozen other SLC men that fit that exact description. One man, however, did agree to give his totally relevant and definitely solicited opinion.

“Yeah, Situatos is really chill, actually. He put me onto this super underground band called Geese. Have you heard of them?” he said, before giving our reporter his Substack username because he’s “not on Insta like that.” I see bleached hair in our reporter’s future.

For our trendy readers who want to get a jump on this whole situationship thing, we recommend redownloading Hinge and letting the amount of likes you get consume your every waking thought. That’s never gone wrong before! Remember that meeting the parents and discussing adopting a three-legged cat is okay, but having the “what are we” talk is far too intimate. 

Happy situationing!