5 Signs That You're Not a Successful Sarah Lawrence Student
Image Credit: Madison Eppler
1. You have goals.
Having goals means that you haven’t reached those goals. This is a clear sign you’re not a successful Sarah Lawrence student. Successful people at this college cannot find time in their day to set goals for themselves, because when they do, they reach them just about instantly. This vicious cycle of repeated goal-setting and-reaching is known as the Successcycle. Once you’re in this cycle, you never get to leave it, and neither do your kids, or your kids’ kids, or even your kids’ kids’ kids.
2. You’re competitive.
Feeling competitive means that there is someone at Sarah Lawrence with whom you are competing. Someone that has reached a similar level of success as you, whom you see as a threat. If you have ever felt competitive at any point during your academic career, know that you’re not a successful student. All competition takes place in the Colosseum of Mediocrity, and you are nothing but a gladiator of disappointment.
3. You’re 19.
If you’re only 18 years old, you have nothing to worry about. You’re probably enjoying your first year living in a triple, and looking forward to all the valuable experiences you’re going to have during this formative four-year period. If you’re 19, though, chances are that you’ve already fallen behind. I’m sorry, but there’s probably someone identical to you in every way that’s already taken your seat on the Success Express to Moneytown. That place shuts its borders as soon as the train pulls into Career Junction, and everyone knows Moneytown’s immigration system is a fucking nightmare. But there’s still hope. You’re still not 20.
4. You’re 20.
This is really bad. I mean, what were you thinking? Why haven’t you done anything yet? You’re a junior now and you’ve completely lost your chance at success. At this point, you should solely focus on damage control. And be thankful you’re not one of those 21-year-olds. They’re out there roaming the streets with zero accolades to their name, asking strangers for loose change to buy an ounce of the latest drug to vape out of their dirty e-cigs. I suggest you spend at least fifteen minutes a day praying for the 21-year-olds of this college. After all, you still have the privilege of not being 21.
5. You’re 21.
Your life is over. I don’t know how else to say this. It’s all over. Done. You might as well be a pile of garbage now because that’s how everyone at this college sees you. Remember that person from your First Year Studies with the exact same career ambitions as you? They’re famous for doing that thing now. You can’t walk anywhere on campus or look at your phone without seeing an advertisement for that person doing the thing you so badly wanted to be your thing. And they’re so attractive, and definitely not ugly like you. Remember that person that took your seat on the Success Express? Turns out their celebrity dad is in the Successcycle, and they didn’t actually need that seat at all. They just took it because they were bored and wanted to “see if there was anything cool going on in town.” There was. There always is. This is Moneytown we’re talking about.
Hrannar Bjornsson, ‘21
*Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the satire and humor section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.