Introducing Sarah Lawrence’s First Frat House: Alpha Sigma Barb
Photo Credit: Wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock, Barbara Walters
Barbara Walters has been generously funding Sarah Lawrence’s much-needed building updates for years, first with the Barbara Walters Gallery, and then with the Barbara Walters Campus Center. Sarah Lawrence is now closer than ever to looking like a real college. We have art and big buildings with tall ceilings; heck, we’re practically a state school! But it’s clear we’re not done yet. There has been a LOT of unrest regarding the lack of housing on campus.
Don’t worry, Barbara’s on it. She looked around and asked herself “what do most colleges have that Sarah Lawrence doesn’t? Housing, duh, but we’re missing a special kind of housing.” So, coming to you this spring: Sarah Lawrence’s first fraternity, Alpha Sigma Barb!
Alpha Sigma Barb will have all the features of a regular college frat house, but with that special Sarah Lawrence flair. Get ready for the most expensive boat shoes from Urban Outfitters, polo shirts with ironically popped collars, and beer kegs filled with cocaine!
Remember chubbies? The shorts that frat guys at those other schools have? Well, don’t worry, SLC’s Alpha Sigma Barb will have an alternative –– just being naked all the time! Take advantage of SLC’s clothing-optional campus in style.
Of course, there’s gonna be some serious Sarah Lawrence ragers at Alpha Sigma Barb. That’s right, it’s just people getting drunk and writing sad poetry. Come and cry to Mitski together! Be sure to make it before the clock strikes 11:30, though; that’s when everyone goes to sleep.
I know what you’re thinking: what about hazing? Barb’s got you covered! Alpha Sigma Barb pledges have to wear a beanie so tight that they can’t take it off! But wait! There’s more! New recruits are forced to listen to My Bloody Valentine and Godspeed You! Black Emperor until they like it! Pretty sick stuff, huh?
All your favorite Sarah Lawrence students will be pledging to Alpha Sigma Barb: the guy who skateboards in front of your open window at 2 am on a Tuesday, the girl who calls herself a filmmaker even though she’s never even made a movie, and, of course, Pub Guy! Yeah, that’s right, Pub Guy is back and he’s just gonna be yelling numbers out of the Alpha Sigma Barb window!
Sure, the Barbara Walters Campus Center may have Barbara’s Emmys, but we are incredibly excited to announce that Barbara has promised to make the Alpha Sigma Barb lawn her eternal resting place! When the time comes, head on down to Alpha Sigma Barb, crack open an ice-cold bottle of cocaine, and kick back with Barbara Walters’ dead body!
Alpha Sigma Barb: It’s Like The Hyatt, But Worse!
Ann Nelson, ‘21
*Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the satire and humor section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.