Cunt Soup

Sparrow Murray ‘24 

Photo by Sparrow Murray

Fuck. This soup 

is cunt. It’s the cunt 

soup. I would rather kill 

myself than never 

be able to have this soup 

again. 70% of the people 

I’ve slept with have ate 

and enjoyed this soup. 

Ingredients: olive oil 

or ghee, one large or 

two small yellow onions, 

two large knobs ginger, 

five cloves, garlic Four 

large carrots, one large or two 

small sweet potatoes, one and one 

half cups red or brown lentils,

half can crushed tomatoes, 

one can full fat coconut milk, 

one can chickpeas (or butter 

beans or both), one block firm 

tofu, broth to cover (I love Better 

Than Bullion). 

Spices (I couldn’t possibly 

tell you how much, adjust 

to your liking):2 bay leaves, 

mustard seeds, cumin seeds,

fennel seeds, turmeric, garam 

masala, and black pepper (lots, 

really). 

The Way: In the largest pot you 

have (this recipe makes a large batch, 

I emphasize the size of the pot) warm 

olive oil or ghee over medium heat. 

Once fluid, add spices (except garam 

masala) and toast till fragrant (wait

for the mustard seeds to pop 

but do not burn them). Dice onion and add 

to spices. Cook until translucent, add minced 

ginger and garlic, stir and cook briefly 

until fragrant (again, do not burn). Add tomatoes 

and salt and allow to simmer and cook down briefly. 

Your lentils have been soaking this whole time 

already, red or brown or a mix, add them now. 

You’ve already chopped your carrots and sweet 

potatoes too, having visualized them 

on your spoon in the exact size that you want to eat. 

Add them to the pot, with the beans and coconut 

milk. Fill with broth to cover the vegetables. Raise 

heat and boil for one minute. Reduce temperature 

to low. Add garam masala. Simmer for thirty minutes, 

stirring occasionally. Slice tofu into cubes and add. 

Allow for ten minutes of gentle simmering, this 

is an excellent opportunity to adjust salt and seasoning. 

Serve with rice or bread or dosas. How I 

serve the soup is with a dollop of yogurt, 

a few crushed cashews, some pickled 

onions and a squeeze of lime. Be generous. 

Give the soup to friends, 

people you love. Keep it 

in the fridge in the pot 

you cooked with. It’s good 

for a week I’d say. I love it 

in the mornings. 

Photo by Sparrow Murray