Breaking: Sarah Lawrence Announces Intention to Change Name
Sela Corliss ‘26
In a groundbreaking announcement made early this morning, Sarah Lawrence College has introduced its plan to change its name. According to the college’s representative, growing concerns and pushback from students have led Sarah Lawrence to believe that it is important and integral to the school’s mission and reputation that it not flaunt and promote the name of an old white woman.
A reporter for The Phoenix sat down with a co-chair of the Committee to Rename Sarah Lawrence College (CTRSLC):
How are you feeling since the administration’s announcement?
I for one am elated. This is a huge win against the administration as well as decades of oppression and elitism. Almost gone are the days when we strong, proud students, will be forced to represent ourselves and our education in the same sentence as some old white lady. It’s time we move on. And move forward.
And who is Sarah Lawrence?
What?
Why was the school named after her?
Next question.
Prior to the school’s declaration, the CTRSLC had been staging protests, making posters, and contacting famous alumni and figures to help their cause. The committee had flooded the comment section of the official Yoko Ono Instagram account, stationed themselves outside of Jordan Peele’s most recent production, and attempted to get in touch with Barbara Walters’ ghost via Ouija board. The efforts proved futile, although some members of the committee claim that the Ouija board did move slightly to “no” when they called her “Barb” as opposed to Barbara.
The school’s official notice announcing its aim to rename the college before the next semester also included that the college hopes to get its new name from the students. Pieces of paper and QR code links to electronic forms were passed around/posted online for the student body to submit their suggestions. The Phoenix was given exclusive access to the range of current options and frontrunners.
As of right now, there are two names leading the race. Toni Morrison has 534 votes, with Karl Marx following closely behind with 482. Our reporter asked the committee co-chair about these options:
“I think that either of these choices would be appropriate. Both figures represent our views, principles, and I would personally be proud to put their names on my resume,” the co-chair said.
Doesn’t Karl Marx being an old white guy kind of defeat the purpose of this whole thing?
It’s different.
How?
It just is. He’s a comrade.
So it doesn’t make it worse that not only is he old and white, but he’s also male?
Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were a sexist capitalist sheep.
Two other names also have legs, and appear to share a reasoning. The student body seems to want to push for “gay icons” (as is stated in the forms), whether it be “Iago and Othello College” (a specific campaign from Sarah Lawrence’s various theater troupes), or “Chappell Roan University.”
Below are other possible contenders, in no particular order:
Ottessa Moshfegh
Trixie Mattel
Luigi Mangione
Sean Baker
Luigi Mangione
Ayo Edebri
Kamala Harris’ cool stepdaughter
The original cast of Hamilton
Coleman Domingo
Keegan Michael Key (we think some people may have gotten confused)
Hannah Horvath (separate from Lena Dunham)
The cast of Challengers
Bad Bunny
Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams (those astronauts who were stuck in space)
Stephen Colbert (as a tribute)
G Hannelius (alum)
Those three freak siblings from White Lotus
No makeup Pamela Anderson
Cristle Collins Judd, president of Sarah Lawrence College (as it is currently known), will be holding a press conference next month to announce the winner, so keep an eye out. In the meantime, polls are still open and campaigns are still running in effect. The group pushing for Luca Guadagnino College are giving out peach and cannibalism-themed treats in Barb, and “team Sylvia Plath” are stationed on South Lawn with figs.