Introducing Sarah Lawrence’s First Frat House: Alpha Sigma Barb
Photo Credit: Wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock, Barbara Walters
Barbara Walters has been generously funding Sarah Lawrence’s much-needed building updates for years, first with the Barbara Walters Gallery, and then with the Barbara Walters Campus Center. Sarah Lawrence is now closer than ever to looking like a real college. We have art and big buildings with tall ceilings; heck, we’re practically a state school! But it’s clear we’re not done yet. There has been a LOT of unrest regarding the lack of housing on campus.
Don’t worry, Barbara’s on it. She looked around and asked herself “what do most colleges have that Sarah Lawrence doesn’t? Housing, duh, but we’re missing a special kind of housing.” So, coming to you this spring: Sarah Lawrence’s first fraternity, Alpha Sigma Barb!
Alpha Sigma Barb will have all the features of a regular college frat house, but with that special Sarah Lawrence flair. Get ready for the most expensive boat shoes from Urban Outfitters, polo shirts with ironically popped collars, and beer kegs filled with cocaine!
Remember chubbies? The shorts that frat guys at those other schools have? Well, don’t worry, SLC’s Alpha Sigma Barb will have an alternative –– just being naked all the time! Take advantage of SLC’s clothing-optional campus in style.
Of course, there’s gonna be some serious Sarah Lawrence ragers at Alpha Sigma Barb. That’s right, it’s just people getting drunk and writing sad poetry. Come and cry to Mitski together! Be sure to make it before the clock strikes 11:30, though; that’s when everyone goes to sleep.
I know what you’re thinking: what about hazing? Barb’s got you covered! Alpha Sigma Barb pledges have to wear a beanie so tight that they can’t take it off! But wait! There’s more! New recruits are forced to listen to My Bloody Valentine and Godspeed You! Black Emperor until they like it! Pretty sick stuff, huh?
All your favorite Sarah Lawrence students will be pledging to Alpha Sigma Barb: the guy who skateboards in front of your open window at 2 am on a Tuesday, the girl who calls herself a filmmaker even though she’s never even made a movie, and, of course, Pub Guy! Yeah, that’s right, Pub Guy is back and he’s just gonna be yelling numbers out of the Alpha Sigma Barb window!
Sure, the Barbara Walters Campus Center may have Barbara’s Emmys, but we are incredibly excited to announce that Barbara has promised to make the Alpha Sigma Barb lawn her eternal resting place! When the time comes, head on down to Alpha Sigma Barb, crack open an ice-cold bottle of cocaine, and kick back with Barbara Walters’ dead body!
Alpha Sigma Barb: It’s Like The Hyatt, But Worse!
Ann Nelson, ‘21
*Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the satire and humor section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.
5 Signs That You're Not a Successful Sarah Lawrence Student
Image Credit: Madison Eppler
1. You have goals.
Having goals means that you haven’t reached those goals. This is a clear sign you’re not a successful Sarah Lawrence student. Successful people at this college cannot find time in their day to set goals for themselves, because when they do, they reach them just about instantly. This vicious cycle of repeated goal-setting and-reaching is known as the Successcycle. Once you’re in this cycle, you never get to leave it, and neither do your kids, or your kids’ kids, or even your kids’ kids’ kids.
2. You’re competitive.
Feeling competitive means that there is someone at Sarah Lawrence with whom you are competing. Someone that has reached a similar level of success as you, whom you see as a threat. If you have ever felt competitive at any point during your academic career, know that you’re not a successful student. All competition takes place in the Colosseum of Mediocrity, and you are nothing but a gladiator of disappointment.
3. You’re 19.
If you’re only 18 years old, you have nothing to worry about. You’re probably enjoying your first year living in a triple, and looking forward to all the valuable experiences you’re going to have during this formative four-year period. If you’re 19, though, chances are that you’ve already fallen behind. I’m sorry, but there’s probably someone identical to you in every way that’s already taken your seat on the Success Express to Moneytown. That place shuts its borders as soon as the train pulls into Career Junction, and everyone knows Moneytown’s immigration system is a fucking nightmare. But there’s still hope. You’re still not 20.
4. You’re 20.
This is really bad. I mean, what were you thinking? Why haven’t you done anything yet? You’re a junior now and you’ve completely lost your chance at success. At this point, you should solely focus on damage control. And be thankful you’re not one of those 21-year-olds. They’re out there roaming the streets with zero accolades to their name, asking strangers for loose change to buy an ounce of the latest drug to vape out of their dirty e-cigs. I suggest you spend at least fifteen minutes a day praying for the 21-year-olds of this college. After all, you still have the privilege of not being 21.
5. You’re 21.
Your life is over. I don’t know how else to say this. It’s all over. Done. You might as well be a pile of garbage now because that’s how everyone at this college sees you. Remember that person from your First Year Studies with the exact same career ambitions as you? They’re famous for doing that thing now. You can’t walk anywhere on campus or look at your phone without seeing an advertisement for that person doing the thing you so badly wanted to be your thing. And they’re so attractive, and definitely not ugly like you. Remember that person that took your seat on the Success Express? Turns out their celebrity dad is in the Successcycle, and they didn’t actually need that seat at all. They just took it because they were bored and wanted to “see if there was anything cool going on in town.” There was. There always is. This is Moneytown we’re talking about.
Hrannar Bjornsson, ‘21
*Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the satire and humor section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.
Getting to Know the Sarah Lawrence Skunks
Photo Credit: Bryan Padron via Unsplash
Late at night, they skulk through Slonim Woods with a distinctive stench wafting from their streaked, grungy hair. During the day, they are very antisocial and never show up to class. No, it’s not you, it’s the SLC skunks.
We invest in many mascots here at Sarah Lawrence College, from the old reliable black squirrels and gryphons of yore to the newer rat, bat, and slug cults, but no one is so approachable as the down-to-earth skunk family we accept as our own. Junior Allison Dennis calls them her favorite thing about campus.
Skunks have been prowling through Sarah Lawrence's history for over half a century. The first recorded relationship between students and skunks is documented on November 21, 1951 when a student wrote to the New York Herald Tribune asking where they could purchase a pet baby skunk. The education editor of the Tribune, Fred M. Hechinger, said that he hoped the school would include skunk kennels so the individualism of the students wouldn’t be “cramped by the absence of proper skunk facilities.” The only potential follow up to this incident is a brief sentence in a Phoenix article from May 7, 1952: “Mondays and Thursdays are the best days for mail and packages… only once was a pet skunk sent to the College.”
After this incident, skunks disappear from our archive record, only to resurface in 2011 when it is mentioned that skunks often run into students on their way home. Gail Hoffmann was hired to trap skunks and other animals for the school at that time and referenced a particularly “angry” skunk who had a deep interest in the school’s crew equipment.
Now students appear to be connecting with the campus skunks more than ever. George Scott ‘21 says of the skunks, “Sarah Lawrence kids are smelly so they fit right in.” He also suggested that, in the absence of a black squirrel hangout, we should consider a skunk venue instead.
Students living in Slonim Woods and Andrews Court are the most likely to have run-ins with the campus skunks, who seem to be cohabitating with the ever-overturning student body in harmony. A resident of Slonim Woods, who wishes to remain anonymous, fed a skunk an apple cider donut as a celebration of fall this week when he noticed the skunk eating trash. The student, a junior, said he would describe the skunk’s personality as “Skittish. A little bit kind of aloof you know? Not someone who I would particularly make an effort to become close with, but perhaps treat it like a person with respect and love and kindness.”
Sarah Gartner ‘21 observes the skunks often at her house in Slonim Woods where they enjoy her trash. She knows three of them well and calls them My Girl, My Guy, and Fatty Boi, who is apparently a large skunk. “I was watching him cross the street and he was like waddling. And then he is so fat that he had to push himself up on the curb.” Gartner recalls. “Then he fell on his back and he could not get on the sidewalk, which is pretty tight, so I named him Fatty Boi.”
Unfortunately, our skunks have experienced tragedy this semester. When news reached the student body that one of the skunks had died recently, sophomore Julian Hanes says the news was terrible. Hanes had recently attempted to befriend a skunk on the hot rock by making animal sounds back at it to try to help it feel it was understood. “I wanted to make friends with it which provoked my initial animal sounds,” he said. His friend, junior Corinne Alexander says that for her, the presence of skunks on campus is now an integral part of Sarah Lawrence culture and the death of the skunk was very sad.
In typical Sarah Lawrence fashion, there have also been speculations as to the skunk(s’) astrological chart: their’ often standoffish attitude has led students to suspect them of being Aquariuses. Anonymous says, “It adds an odor but I’m not sure beyond that I think we’re yet to see the positive or other contributions of this aforementioned skunk.”
Gartner describes them as Heimbros. “I feel like they all like to keep to themselves like they wouldn’t really be social with everybody so like a few people and kind of just like Sarah Lawrence everybody else.
But, despite their too-cool-for-school demeanor, they love us at heart. Micaela Eckett ‘21 recalls how her dog last year would attempt to play with the skunks and they would sulk rather than spray him away. Get to know your claw-footed neighbors, their personalities are more than just black and white.
Camryn Sanchez, ‘21
Disclaimer: This article was published under the Ashtray, the humor and satire section of the Phoenix. Please don’t take it seriously.